A Valley...

Today was pretty demoralizing...I've been tired since the chemo treatment but the bottom dropped out this morning, I could hardly get myself out of bed and laid on the girls' bed for a little while when they woke up, then on the living room floor for awhile trying to figure out what I could get them to eat for breakfast. They're so little and I am not good for much today, I can't even manage to lift my head to read a book to them(what we normally spend a lot of time doing when I'm sick)...it scared me and made me so sad to think of them having this kind of life, even for a day, I wonder if this is what the next few months hold for us, if it will get worse! I can't imagine having to have someone else care for my children!

I finally called a couple of friends to see if they could come over and help us out for a little while, I have a doctor's appointment at noon to check the baby and I feel especially anxious to not miss it because of the chemo treatment the other day! My sweet friend Wilma came over and helped us get to the appointment and offered to stay awhile so I could sleep...I don't know what I would do without such dear people supporting our family!

First Day of "Nemo" and the Unlikely Angel

The Lord has blessed us with a couple of little comedians to walk through this with and when I told them that my first appointment for a chemo treatment was coming up, Hannah laughed and said "chemo" sounded like "Nemo"...so that's what we'll call it :)  I've been doing a lot of reading online about the types of chemo, effects of it, research having to do with pregnant patients of course...I feel like we're making a medically responsible decision considering the circumstances but also there's an element of faith involved. While I am very grateful for the possible benefits of chemo, and I feel fairly comfortable with our doctors and their education and knowledge, it is a HUGE step of faith for me to allow something into my body that's pretty close to poison, especially when my child is in there...and so once again, I put it into the Lord's hands...He alone understands this wonderful thing He created called an umbilical cord, it seems scientists don't really know how it works exactly.  So I'm taking this to Him and trusting that "if He's willing" He will spare my sweet boy the possible harmful effects of this strange stuff I'm going to allow in...I KNOW He is more than able to be a Shield and a Healer, and that no matter what, even though it would break my heart, there is no better place for any of my children that His arms...

I've been coming down with a cold so I was wondering if they would have to postpone the treatment, with my limited understanding of a weakened immune system, but they said that it would be fine so my husband and I walked into the long room full of chairs for people to have treatments. Everyone was SO nice and gracious and I wondered what they thought of me sitting there with my big pregnant belly, what I would think if I saw a pregnant woman about to receive chemo... I think I'd probably burst into tears on the spot, which is strange since when tears come to my eyes lately its mostly out of gratitude that there is so much on my side to fight this thing, all these sweet people working so hard to provide medical CARE(for the first time I see it as truly CARE) and my God Who has promised to fight for me and family and friends calling and emailing me psalms and prayers and sending gift cards for takeout since they're out of state...it blows my mind how kind and generous people can be and how much peace I feel for my child and the future most of the time. I have all the psychotic crazy fears I would naturally expect from myself but in just a few moments usually the Lord has popped up and blown them away with one of the many weapons in His arsenal :)

When I sat down in a chair today, I was right next to a man being treated for breast cancer, I believe this is his second time fighting it. He commented about how chemo made his bones ache, pretty forcefully too, and that the smell of it, it was so strong and lingered and just got to him so much. So my husband and I just nodded politely and, along with the man sitting across the aisle, wondered if this was meant to be encouraging...did he really need to go on and on... :) So after the nurse hooked me up, we continued to talk and I rubbed my forehead a couple of times and he looked me in the eye and asked "Is your head starting to hurt? Is it really hurtin'? Like the top is about to blow CLEAN off?!" and I just said it was a little sore and so he asked me again if I felt like the "top of my head was going blow off" and by this time I couldn't really answer and he told my husband pretty forcefully to get the nurse to come and slow it down, sometimes people can't handle it so fast. Within a few moments the nurse had run over and slowed the drip way down and gave me a cool cloth for my head, it pretty much did feel like it might "blow clean off"! :)  I just was so amazed that we'd been so blessed to be right next to this angel of a man who'd had the same chemo before and knew when he saw me reacting that way just what needed to be done!

I slept a little when we went home and later we went to a high school football game, it was good to get out of the house and do something semi-normal...there was a very strange sensation through my whole body, it just didn't feel right, even breathing felt different, sleep and dreams were very unrestful...but there was also a deep sense of just resting in His Hands, my body was no longer my own, or even my own haven for my child, there were foreign things inside working, a battle going on...and none of it was in my hands so what was there for me to do but trust? Of course I could go dig a hole and stay hidden, but whatever life I've got left whether its years or weeks, I want to live, I want to be there for my children however I can...ideally that's the way I'd live with or without a diagnosis of cancer but since I've gotten this wake up call I'm going to trust and hang on...

The Hope of Jehoshaphat

From four unrelated places lately I've heard this story from II Chronicles 20...It gives me the chills and makes me cry! 

When he was told that 3 different armies were coming up against him, Jehoshaphat was alarmed and resolved to inquire of the Lord and proclaimed a fast for all Judah. All the people came together from every town and the king stood in front of the temple and spoke to them:

"O Lord, God of our fathers, are you not the God who is in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. Power and might are in your hand, and no one can withstand you...If calamity comes upon us,...we will stand in your presence...and cry out to You in our distress, and You will hear us and save us...we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."

Then one of the men came forward and spoke, "This is what the Lord says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you,...Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.'"

Then they all fell down and worship the Lord and some of the Levites stood up and praised the Lord.

Early the next morning, they prepared to set out and "appointed me to sing to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of His holiness as they went out at the head of the army"(rather than their Special Forces or Rangers) and sang "Give thanks to the Lord for His love endures forever."

"As they began to sing and to praise, the Lord set ambushes against the men...invading Judah, and they were defeated."

"When the men of Judah came to the place that overlooks the desert and looked toward the vast army, they saw only dead bodies lying on the ground; no one had escaped. So Jehoshaphat and his men went to carry off their plunder, and they found among them a great amount of equipment and clothing and also articles of value--more than they could take away. There was so much plunder that it took three days to collect it. On the fourth day they assembled in the Valley of Beracah(Praise), where they praised the Lord. This is why it is called the Valley of Beracah to this day."

ALL Jehoshaphat's hope was in the Lord! With all the treatment options, strategies for fighting this great enemy of mine...this seems to be such a clear message from the Lord for me...to trust in His power to fight this enemy, not my own strength or strategies, to rest knowing He is fighting for me and my child, to praise and thank Him for His protection and all the blessings He promises to bring from my conquered enemy...what a beautiful story that I never truly appreciated, never read it as anything more than an old battle history before now...

Stats

I've been reading up on cancer the last couple weeks on the internet, there's so much out there! Gets to be a little overwhelming...all the new terminology I was ignorant of just a month ago! Adjuvant therapy, metastasize, lymph edema...and all the statistics about types of therapies and recurrence rates and risk factors...checking my pH levels with little strips every morning and a whole nutritional approach to achieving a pH level that's hostile to cancer...

So I've been praying about it and I understand that my doctors are very educated and that scientists use statistics to try to understand things better...but I'm young and I had none of the risk factors...so no one but the Lord knows which side of the statistics I will fall on, so I don't put my hope or find comfort in the statistics, although I do appreciate my doctors' effort to provide some information in this whirling craziness :) And I started changing my diet and faithfully checking my pH each morning, but I quickly realized that it could begin to take over, and since I don't know if I have months or years or decades left with my family, I'd rather spend that time living out of joy and not fear, I LOVE to cook and eat and if I began making separate meals for myself and for my family, I think something would get lost... Of course, there's a balance...some would say if I surrendered to a new nutritional approach I'd be more likely to have decades with my family...but I've decided to prayerfully consider all these things and try to find the middle ground, somewhere between the strictly medical and the strictly nutritional ways to combat my cancer, there's grace and maybe a combination of both...I could run right out and get a double mastectomy as a couple of loved ones have suggested, but I'm just not sure if that's the right approach for me personally...there's a lot of choices out there, I need wisdom to choose because my choices don't just affect me...I keep weighing it against the thought of will my children be able to look back, once I've passed on(whenever that might be) and honestly say they think I did all I could have or should have to fight this thing, am I doing what I'd advise them to do if they were in my place someday? In the end, its between my husband and I, ultimately, between the Lord and I, and I'll have to stand by these choices...

Great News!

My Surgeon told us today that my margins were clear, which means they're pretty certain they got the entire lump, and my lymph nodes were all clear!  The news really could not have been any better...its such a relief!

A Lumpectomy and Port Placement

The port is the "button" just under the skin below my collarbone where I'll receive the chemo treatments(rather than burning up the veins in my arm).  So many strange things to experience and learn about...

My mom was able to stay for another week, so we went to the beach yesterday, it was so beautiful, such a fun day!  I thought of some verses from Psalm 93(not off the top of my head, I had to go digging through my concordance a bit):

The seas have lifted up, O Lord, the seas have lifted up their voice; the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.

Mightier than the thunder of the great waters, mightier than the breakers of the sea--the Lord on high is mighty.

And when we went to Cracker Barrel that night, my husband got a call on his cell phone from a woman he had worked with overseas...turns out her family has a foundation to assist families in finding treatment for cancer, she asked if she could give her father our number since she'd just heard what had happened...she said if we were interested they would fly us to Seattle to consult with some doctors there...such overwhelming kindness and generosity from strangers!! I'm just crying so much lately, and not, as you might expect, out of grief or fear, but gratitude...such overwhelming gratitude I feel...I am so BLESSED!

So a friend arranged for a babysitter so my mom and husband could be there at the hospital for the surgery and when I was barely beginning to come to afterwards, I felt the nurse put a monitor around my belly to listen to Isaiah's heart rate and I heard it and started to cry, before I could even pry my eyes open yet...she said "He's doing fine...everything went well, just rest for a little bit..."  I was pretty nervous about having anesthesia while pregnant, I'm always so careful not to even take medication for a headache while I'm pregnant :)

There was not too much pain afterwards, they said I won't have full movement of my right arm where he sampled my lymph nodes, I'll have to work on that for awhile...and I have this lovely drain for a few days :) hide that away in my pocket...now we just have to wait for results...

Doctors, Doctors, and more Doctors...

So apparently, along with my ObGyn that I'm seeing for the pregnancy, now I have a Surgeon, an Oncologist, and a Radiologist...that just seems a little bit crazy, intimidating, overwhelming...we met with the Ob today to let him know what will be going on the next few months and my husband asked him what he thinks of the doctors I'll be seeing. What was just so sweet to hear was that he said he would send his own wife to these doctors, rather than up to Duke or whatever other choices there might be...and he said a couple years ago he'd had a patient who was also diagnosed with breast cancer while she was pregnant, and that she and the baby are doing well... he's going to put her in touch with me...I think it will be so nice to see a real flesh and blood person who's survived this thing, people do all the time...survive!!