First Day of "Nemo" and the Unlikely Angel

The Lord has blessed us with a couple of little comedians to walk through this with and when I told them that my first appointment for a chemo treatment was coming up, Hannah laughed and said "chemo" sounded like "Nemo"...so that's what we'll call it :)  I've been doing a lot of reading online about the types of chemo, effects of it, research having to do with pregnant patients of course...I feel like we're making a medically responsible decision considering the circumstances but also there's an element of faith involved. While I am very grateful for the possible benefits of chemo, and I feel fairly comfortable with our doctors and their education and knowledge, it is a HUGE step of faith for me to allow something into my body that's pretty close to poison, especially when my child is in there...and so once again, I put it into the Lord's hands...He alone understands this wonderful thing He created called an umbilical cord, it seems scientists don't really know how it works exactly.  So I'm taking this to Him and trusting that "if He's willing" He will spare my sweet boy the possible harmful effects of this strange stuff I'm going to allow in...I KNOW He is more than able to be a Shield and a Healer, and that no matter what, even though it would break my heart, there is no better place for any of my children that His arms...

I've been coming down with a cold so I was wondering if they would have to postpone the treatment, with my limited understanding of a weakened immune system, but they said that it would be fine so my husband and I walked into the long room full of chairs for people to have treatments. Everyone was SO nice and gracious and I wondered what they thought of me sitting there with my big pregnant belly, what I would think if I saw a pregnant woman about to receive chemo... I think I'd probably burst into tears on the spot, which is strange since when tears come to my eyes lately its mostly out of gratitude that there is so much on my side to fight this thing, all these sweet people working so hard to provide medical CARE(for the first time I see it as truly CARE) and my God Who has promised to fight for me and family and friends calling and emailing me psalms and prayers and sending gift cards for takeout since they're out of state...it blows my mind how kind and generous people can be and how much peace I feel for my child and the future most of the time. I have all the psychotic crazy fears I would naturally expect from myself but in just a few moments usually the Lord has popped up and blown them away with one of the many weapons in His arsenal :)

When I sat down in a chair today, I was right next to a man being treated for breast cancer, I believe this is his second time fighting it. He commented about how chemo made his bones ache, pretty forcefully too, and that the smell of it, it was so strong and lingered and just got to him so much. So my husband and I just nodded politely and, along with the man sitting across the aisle, wondered if this was meant to be encouraging...did he really need to go on and on... :) So after the nurse hooked me up, we continued to talk and I rubbed my forehead a couple of times and he looked me in the eye and asked "Is your head starting to hurt? Is it really hurtin'? Like the top is about to blow CLEAN off?!" and I just said it was a little sore and so he asked me again if I felt like the "top of my head was going blow off" and by this time I couldn't really answer and he told my husband pretty forcefully to get the nurse to come and slow it down, sometimes people can't handle it so fast. Within a few moments the nurse had run over and slowed the drip way down and gave me a cool cloth for my head, it pretty much did feel like it might "blow clean off"! :)  I just was so amazed that we'd been so blessed to be right next to this angel of a man who'd had the same chemo before and knew when he saw me reacting that way just what needed to be done!

I slept a little when we went home and later we went to a high school football game, it was good to get out of the house and do something semi-normal...there was a very strange sensation through my whole body, it just didn't feel right, even breathing felt different, sleep and dreams were very unrestful...but there was also a deep sense of just resting in His Hands, my body was no longer my own, or even my own haven for my child, there were foreign things inside working, a battle going on...and none of it was in my hands so what was there for me to do but trust? Of course I could go dig a hole and stay hidden, but whatever life I've got left whether its years or weeks, I want to live, I want to be there for my children however I can...ideally that's the way I'd live with or without a diagnosis of cancer but since I've gotten this wake up call I'm going to trust and hang on...