Sunday, December 24, 2006

Friday, December 22, 2006

He's Here!!!



"Thank you so much for your prayers...it went so well!! He was born at 1:43pm on the 22nd and was 7lb 1oz and 20.5 inches and he's perfect, the cutest boy in the whole world and we are SOOOOOO grateful.  i'm feeling really good and the girls are beside themselves with joy about the little guy, can't stop kissing him :)
lots of love...Merry Christmas!!!"


Friday, December 8, 2006

Getting Close Now...


just wanted to let you all know how things were going...
i had an ob appointment this morning and Isaiah's doing fine, the ultrasound is measuring him as being around 6lb 14oz right now and i'm dilated 1cm...i've been having quite a few contractions each day the past few weeks but mostly i'm pretty comfortable and feeling really good...the Lord has really blessed me in each pregnancy, including and especially this one!
so i have 9 days to go til the due date and then i'm supposed to start radiation in the second week of january, that will be 5 days a week for 6 1/2 weeks and the radiologist said i'll be pretty tired, which i'd been feeling pretty optimistic about...i'll be tired anyway with a newborn and 2 energetic little girls :) but when i had the appointment and he talked about the side effects and fatigue i started feeling a little discouraged and anxious, its just one more opportunity to look at all the Lord has done for us through this whole process, the way that He has provided in amazing ways for all of our needs and poured out His grace on all the side effects i was "supposed" to have experienced and didn't...so i'm choosing to cling to Him rather than the worries and fears about what might happen... we'll see :)

hope you all have an amazing Christmas...what a beautiful year its been!!! we have so much to be thankful for!!

thanks so much for all your thoughts and prayers!
love, laura

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Family

We had a great Thanksgiving with my inlaws who flew in...my energy was starting to really come back to where I felt like doing some REAL cooking, not just the quick stuff thrown together because I'm tired...I had so much fun!!

Friday, November 3, 2006

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Baby Shower

My sweet friends threw us a baby shower...they were so generous...it was so much fun!!
There was even a little pickup truck cake :)
Its really nice to just celebrate life whole-heartedly sometimes...there is nothing to fear!

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

The Haircut...just a trim :)

My hair started to fall out, I didn't know if it would...some people who take the same chemo I am don't lose their hair....It was pretty clear by how much I was shedding(and I DON'T shed while I'm pregnant usually) that it was coming.  When I mentioned the possibility a few weeks ago Hannah had asked why her hair didn't fall out when I gave her medicine, and I explained that this was stronger medicine to kill some bad stuff in Mama, and that we would try not to worry about it until we found out if Mama's hair actually would fall out.  So when the shedding began, I looked up the website for Locks of Love, always had thought it sounded so great to give such a gift to a little child but never had the guts to face a few years of SHORT curly hair(afro time!) and in looking through the before and after pictures of the young recipients, this panicky sad moment shifted into gratitude at being able to be a part of giving something meaningful to a sweet little person facing such a battle...my daughter thought so too!
So after the girls were in bed, my sweet husband shaved 4 ponytails of 17 inch long hair off my head...what a STRANGE feeling to have that tiny bald head on my shoulders! And the next morning I tried to call out a warning/reminder to my oldest daughter but the second she saw me she was hysterical and running  to her Daddy(so DIFFICULT to not be able to comfort your own child in a moment like that), the younger one, however, laughed when she saw me and said my head was funny and fuzzy, "Why did Daddy do that to your hair?!" When this picture was taken, Hannah still could not look at me with my head bare but within a few hours she said she was used to it and thought it was so neat for the little girl who would be able to have my hair instead of being bald...the Lord can literally turn ANYTHING around!! Without Him I might have cried for weeks about this but I just feel so grateful...He must be laughing a little bit because in moments of extreme frustration about my naturally curly hair, I have threatened to shave my head bald...look at me now!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

A Valley...

Today was pretty demoralizing...I've been tired since the chemo treatment but the bottom dropped out this morning, I could hardly get myself out of bed and laid on the girls' bed for a little while when they woke up, then on the living room floor for awhile trying to figure out what I could get them to eat for breakfast. They're so little and I am not good for much today, I can't even manage to lift my head to read a book to them(what we normally spend a lot of time doing when I'm sick)...it scared me and made me so sad to think of them having this kind of life, even for a day, I wonder if this is what the next few months hold for us, if it will get worse! I can't imagine having to have someone else care for my children!
I finally called a couple of friends to see if they could come over and help us out for a little while, I have a doctor's appointment at noon to check the baby and I feel especially anxious to not miss it because of the chemo treatment the other day! My sweet friend Wilma came over and helped us get to the appointment and offered to stay awhile so I could sleep...I don't know what I would do without such dear people supporting our family!

Friday, August 25, 2006

First Day of "Nemo" and the Unlikely Angel

The Lord has blessed us with a couple of little comedians to walk through this with and when I told them that my first appointment for a chemo treatment was coming up, Hannah laughed and said "chemo" sounded like "Nemo"...so that's what we'll call it :)  I've been doing a lot of reading online about the types of chemo, effects of it, research having to do with pregnant patients of course...I feel like we're making a medically responsible decision considering the circumstances but also there's an element of faith involved. While I am very grateful for the possible benefits of chemo, and I feel fairly comfortable with our doctors and their education and knowledge, it is a HUGE step of faith for me to allow something into my body that's pretty close to poison, especially when my child is in there...and so once again, I put it into the Lord's hands...He alone understands this wonderful thing He created called an umbilical cord, it seems scientists don't really know how it works exactly.  So I'm taking this to Him and trusting that "if He's willing" He will spare my sweet boy the possible harmful effects of this strange stuff I'm going to allow in...I KNOW He is more than able to be a Shield and a Healer, and that no matter what, even though it would break my heart, there is no better place for any of my children that His arms...
I've been coming down with a cold so I was wondering if they would have to postpone the treatment, with my limited understanding of a weakened immune system, but they said that it would be fine so my husband and I walked into the long room full of chairs for people to have treatments. Everyone was SO nice and gracious and I wondered what they thought of me sitting there with my big pregnant belly, what I would think if I saw a pregnant woman about to receive chemo... I think I'd probably burst into tears on the spot, which is strange since when tears come to my eyes lately its mostly out of gratitude that there is so much on my side to fight this thing, all these sweet people working so hard to provide medical CARE(for the first time I see it as truly CARE) and my God Who has promised to fight for me and family and friends calling and emailing me psalms and prayers and sending gift cards for takeout since they're out of state...it blows my mind how kind and generous people can be and how much peace I feel for my child and the future most of the time. I have all the psychotic crazy fears I would naturally expect from myself but in just a few moments usually the Lord has popped up and blown them away with one of the many weapons in His arsenal :)
When I sat down in a chair today, I was right next to a man being treated for breast cancer, I believe this is his second time fighting it. He commented about how chemo made his bones ache, pretty forcefully too, and that the smell of it, it was so strong and lingered and just got to him so much. So my husband and I just nodded politely and, along with the man sitting across the aisle, wondered if this was meant to be encouraging...did he really need to go on and on... :) So after the nurse hooked me up, we continued to talk and I rubbed my forehead a couple of times and he looked me in the eye and asked "Is your head starting to hurt? Is it really hurtin'? Like the top is about to blow CLEAN off?!" and I just said it was a little sore and so he asked me again if I felt like the "top of my head was going blow off" and by this time I couldn't really answer and he told my husband pretty forcefully to get the nurse to come and slow it down, sometimes people can't handle it so fast. Within a few moments the nurse had run over and slowed the drip way down and gave me a cool cloth for my head, it pretty much did feel like it might "blow clean off"! :)  I just was so amazed that we'd been so blessed to be right next to this angel of a man who'd had the same chemo before and knew when he saw me reacting that way just what needed to be done!
I slept a little when we went home and later we went to a high school football game, it was good to get out of the house and do something semi-normal...there was a very strange sensation through my whole body, it just didn't feel right, even breathing felt different, sleep and dreams were very unrestful...but there was also a deep sense of just resting in His Hands, my body was no longer my own, or even my own haven for my child, there were foreign things inside working, a battle going on...and none of it was in my hands so what was there for me to do but trust? Of course I could go dig a hole and stay hidden, but whatever life I've got left whether its years or weeks, I want to live, I want to be there for my children however I can...ideally that's the way I'd live with or without a diagnosis of cancer but since I've gotten this wake up call I'm going to trust and hang on...

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The Hope of Jehoshaphat

From four unrelated places lately I've heard this story from II Chronicles 20...It gives me the chills and makes me cry! 

When he was told that 3 different armies were coming up against him, Jehoshaphat was alarmed and resolved to inquire of the Lord and proclaimed a fast for all Judah. All the people came together from every town and the king stood in front of the temple and spoke to them:
"O Lord, God of our fathers, are you not the God who is in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. Power and might are in your hand, and no one can withstand you...If calamity comes upon us,...we will stand in your presence...and cry out to You in our distress, and You will hear us and save us...we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."

Then one of the men came forward and spoke, "This is what the Lord says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you,...Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.'"

Then they all fell down and worship the Lord and some of the Levites stood up and praised the Lord.

Early the next morning, they prepared to set out and "appointed me to sing to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of His holiness as they went out at the head of the army"(rather than their Special Forces or Rangers) and sang "Give thanks to the Lord for His love endures forever."

"As they began to sing and to praise, the Lord set ambushes against the men...invading Judah, and they were defeated."

"When the men of Judah came to the place that overlooks the desert and looked toward the vast army, they saw only dead bodies lying on the ground; no one had escaped. So Jehoshaphat and his men went to carry off their plunder, and they found among them a great amount of equipment and clothing and also articles of value--more than they could take away. There was so much plunder that it took three days to collect it. On the fourth day they assembled in the Valley of Beracah(Praise), where they praised the Lord. This is why it is called the Valley of Beracah to this day."

ALL Jehoshaphat's hope was in the Lord! With all the treatment options, strategies for fighting this great enemy of mine...this seems to be such a clear message from the Lord for me...to trust in His power to fight this enemy, not my own strength or strategies, to rest knowing He is fighting for me and my child, to praise and thank Him for His protection and all the blessings He promises to bring from my conquered enemy...what a beautiful story that I never truly appreciated, never read it as anything more than an old battle history before now...

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Stats

I've been reading up on cancer the last couple weeks on the internet, there's so much out there! Gets to be a little overwhelming...all the new terminology I was ignorant of just a month ago! Adjuvant therapy, metastasize, lymph edema...and all the statistics about types of therapies and recurrence rates and risk factors...checking my pH levels with little strips every morning and a whole nutritional approach to achieving a pH level that's hostile to cancer...
So I've been praying about it and I understand that my doctors are very educated and that scientists use statistics to try to understand things better...but I'm young and I had none of the risk factors...so no one but the Lord knows which side of the statistics I will fall on, so I don't put my hope or find comfort in the statistics, although I do appreciate my doctors' effort to provide some information in this whirling craziness :) And I started changing my diet and faithfully checking my pH each morning, but I quickly realized that it could begin to take over, and since I don't know if I have months or years or decades left with my family, I'd rather spend that time living out of joy and not fear, I LOVE to cook and eat and if I began making separate meals for myself and for my family, I think something would get lost... Of course, there's a balance...some would say if I surrendered to a new nutritional approach I'd be more likely to have decades with my family...but I've decided to prayerfully consider all these things and try to find the middle ground, somewhere between the strictly medical and the strictly nutritional ways to combat my cancer, there's grace and maybe a combination of both...I could run right out and get a double mastectomy as a couple of loved ones have suggested, but I'm just not sure if that's the right approach for me personally...there's a lot of choices out there, I need wisdom to choose because my choices don't just affect me...I keep weighing it against the thought of will my children be able to look back, once I've passed on(whenever that might be) and honestly say they think I did all I could have or should have to fight this thing, am I doing what I'd advise them to do if they were in my place someday? In the end, its between my husband and I, ultimately, between the Lord and I, and I'll have to stand by these choices...

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Great News!

My Surgeon told us today that my margins were clear, which means they're pretty certain they got the entire lump, and my lymph nodes were all clear!  The news really could not have been any better...its such a relief!

Thursday, August 3, 2006

A Lumpectomy and Port Placement


The port is the "button" just under the skin below my collarbone where I'll receive the chemo treatments(rather than burning up the veins in my arm).  So many strange things to experience and learn about...

My mom was able to stay for another week, so we went to the beach yesterday, it was so beautiful, such a fun day!  I thought of some verses from Psalm 93(not off the top of my head, I had to go digging through my concordance a bit):

The seas have lifted up, O Lord, the seas have lifted up their voice; the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.
Mightier than the thunder of the great waters, mightier than the breakers of the sea--the Lord on high is mighty.

And when we went to Cracker Barrel that night, my husband got a call on his cell phone from a woman he had worked with overseas...turns out her family has a foundation to assist families in finding treatment for cancer, she asked if she could give her father our number since she'd just heard what had happened...she said if we were interested they would fly us to Seattle to consult with some doctors there...such overwhelming kindness and generosity from strangers!! I'm just crying so much lately, and not, as you might expect, out of grief or fear, but gratitude...such overwhelming gratitude I feel...I am so BLESSED!

So a friend arranged for a babysitter so my mom and husband could be there at the hospital for the surgery and when I was barely beginning to come to afterwards, I felt the nurse put a monitor around my belly to listen to Isaiah's heart rate and I heard it and started to cry, before I could even pry my eyes open yet...she said "He's doing fine...everything went well, just rest for a little bit..."  I was pretty nervous about having anesthesia while pregnant, I'm always so careful not to even take medication for a headache while I'm pregnant :)

There was not too much pain afterwards, they said I won't have full movement of my right arm where he sampled my lymph nodes, I'll have to work on that for awhile...and I have this lovely drain for a few days :) hide that away in my pocket...now we just have to wait for results...

Tuesday, August 1, 2006

Doctors, Doctors, and more Doctors...

So apparently, along with my ObGyn that I'm seeing for the pregnancy, now I have a Surgeon, an Oncologist, and a Radiologist...that just seems a little bit crazy, intimidating, overwhelming...we met with the Ob today to let him know what will be going on the next few months and my husband asked him what he thinks of the doctors I'll be seeing. What was just so sweet to hear was that he said he would send his own wife to these doctors, rather than up to Duke or whatever other choices there might be...and he said a couple years ago he'd had a patient who was also diagnosed with breast cancer while she was pregnant, and that she and the baby are doing well... he's going to put her in touch with me...I think it will be so nice to see a real flesh and blood person who's survived this thing, people do all the time...survive!!

Friday, July 28, 2006

And now it begins...

I was able to get in touch with my poor husband on the other side of the world...I can't imagine how difficult it must be for him!  And I was able to make a few phone calls to other family and dear friends...I feel so sad as I dial the number, knowing how I would ache for that person if they called me with this news...its hard but somehow joyful to share with them the way the Lord has been carrying us from that first moment...all that He's given me to hold on to...and these are people who know me well enough to know these words are not coming from me :) the wimp :)  I wonder a little bit, having learned about the stages of grief, am I in denial, shock, trying to be strong, comfort everyone else...? I'm not going worry about it, I know I have cancer, I know its on my top ten list of things I could not survive that the Lord got a hold of somehow a few years back :)  and He's faithfully showed me through each item on the list pretty much that I can MORE than survive with Him, in Him, through Him...He is SOOOO good! I keep having thoughts go through my mind..."what about our girls, Lord?" and He reminds me that He has taken great care of me during the most painful times in my life and provided all kinds of friends and family to be His physical Loving Arms to hold me up and comfort me, will He do less for my dear children, if it were to come to that? Laura, you KNOW I love them even more than you do...since they were born you've realized more and more each day as you love them, HOW much I love My children...you KNOW I'm going to take care of you, you KNOW I will work all this out for good...
Every natural fear or worry that pops up, it seems He's peeking over my shoulder with a bazooka and blasts it away with a few words of peace...I'm constantly in a little bit of shock at how peaceful I feel...
I'm so glad that I have this great doctor, that my husband is on a plane already and should be home tomorrow sometime, that my girls may remember someday how we knelt on the floor when we got home yesterday and thanked the Lord for knowing all things, for holding Isaiah in His Hands, and asking Him to take care of this cancer we do not know how to fight...what a blessing to walk through this with friends and family to care about us, with children watching our God do His thing, from a young age for them to see that He is the One we turn to, that praise and prayer is how we fight, that we can rest in uncertainty knowing the One who knows all things is Good and Powerful, certainly more than able to save us from all harm...that He wouldn't allow anything without a great purpose...having looked this beast in the eye, if what He does in my life can bring hope to even one person facing the same thing, it is SOOO worth it...I say that now, I pray He grants me the strength to mean that through the days ahead...

Thursday, July 27, 2006

An email I sent out that afternoon...

"i'm sorry to do this over email...
i just got the results of a biopsy this morning and i have cancer...i'm going to have surgery late next week to remove the lump and test my lymph nodes so i'll know more after that but they want to start chemotherapy right away, they said there's minimal risk to Isaiah since i'm in the 2nd trimester...and i'm not sure when jim is going to be able to come home yet...
i just feel so blessed because i have such good friends here if i need help and i'm so thankful that Isaiah is in God's hands regardless of what's going on...and God has reminded me of a verse or a song almost each moment since this morning...that even when i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i need fear no eveil, that the joy of the Lord is my strength, that His strength is made perfect in my weakness, that He has plans to give me a hope and a future and not to harm me, that He asks me not to fear or be discouraged because He is with me, He is my Healer and the Great Physician...there are no guarantees of the outcome but that He works all things together for good and that He's with me...He is just such a good God to walk through something like this with...just to let you know where i'm at right now, i'm sad and scared but these are the thoughts i hold on to in my weakness
thank you in advance for your prayers and please pray for jim, the poor guy had to hear the news over the phone from the other side of the planet..."

Results...

Mom and I talked about going to the park later since she's leaving tomorrow and ended up deciding to just all go to my appointment since it probably won't take very long and then we could just take the girls from there.  She kept the girls occupied with coloring books in the lobby while I went back to meet with the doctor.  He's a very nice man, his nurses are really sweet, its so nice to feel comfortable at a time like this, as comfortable as you can feel :) 
So he sits down and types some things on his computer, asks me how I am, how far along in the pregnancy are you again?...then...
"So we did find just a little bit of breast cancer..."
    God bless him, like a little is better than a lot :)  what a sweet gentle way to put the information that just turned my world upside down...

so clearly, I feel 2 Hands take my shoulders, holding me up, and a Voice saying "Here we go..." 

which to me, said so many things..."I'm here. I'm not surprised by any of this. I'm staying right here. With you. Holding you up. Whatever is to come, its us, you and Me that will face it..." how do you beat that kind of comfort? What fear could I hold on to that could stand up to THAT?!

He went on to explain just a few things and then asked if I had anyone with me, the nurse offered to run out and get my mom to come in(what a blessing for a mom to get to hear this with her daughter and not on a phone across the country!? or even to find out when I got back from the appointment like we'd planned) and I asked the doctor about chemotherapy after the baby was born and he said "No, we need to keep you around for those girls and we need to get this thing as soon as possible to give you the best chance, there is a lot of research out there that it is safe during the 2nd and 3rd trimesters, causes birth defects and mortality during the first trimester but you are well into your second...you can read about it, 15 year old children whose mothers underwent chemo while they were in the womb and who are perfectly healthy with normal development..."(now I can see what a blessing delays and obstacles can be...)

The nurses kept my girls in the hallway, thoroughly engrossed and overjoyed by a huge bag of stickers, they were so sweet!  Meanwhile, the doctor repeated to my mom what he'd told me about having surgery in two days and then beginning chemotherapy, and eventually radiation after the baby is born... Mom had a deathgrip :) on my hand and was making a valiant effort to stand and not shake too badly and try to stay clear minded enough to ask the right questions...poor Mom! This already seems so much more difficult for everyone else...what a rotten day for this poor doctor, having to tell a pregnant mother she has cancer, my poor Mom, I can't hardly imagine if it was me with one of my girls...I know that sounds ridiculous...I guess that's shock for you...

Tears were coming just a little bit, they kept asking if I was okay...I kept getting bits of psalms or old hymns, all kinds of things going through my head..."the Joy of the Lord is my strength" over and over... and I kept thinking...its His joy, I don't have the ridiculous task of having to come up with joy during something like this, and its not His might but His joy that is my strength, how beautiful to have joy in something like this, rather than simply feeling strong and determined, that female warrior they always portray breast cancer survivors as...I am not strong, I know that for CERTAIN...I'm in recovery from having become quite skilled at finding reasons to feel sorry for myself in any given situation...but I have this unexplainable joy in walking through this with my dear Lord beside and under and around and within me, truly the peace that passes understanding...it makes no sense being evident in my heart, as well as I know myself, aside from His putting it there and sustaining it...and then that His joy is my strength...I can be STRONG??? in THIS????!! how is that possible? my son is so small...I know what the doctor said about the studies but I can't comprehend having my BABY in the same body with my CANCER or my CHEMO...you want to protect your child...isn't the womb considered one of the safer places??  We just found out a few days ago that he's a boy...we'd had the name Isaiah picked out for years as a favorite and I'd confirmed that as our top choice when I told my husband the news over the phone and then I looked up again what it means..."Yahweh is my salvation"...the Lord KNEW, He always knew...in that moment when I heard "cancer" and felt my son move there was the reminder that He is not just the One who is able to save me from this, He is my son's salvation, no matter how this turns out...nothing can remove him from Those Hands...

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Biopsy

My mom came out for a visit for our youngest's 2nd birthday...its so great how the Lord provides all the little encouragements and pick-me-ups we need during a difficult time...she watched the girls while I went in for the biopsy--it HURT! made a big scary clicking sound...guess I should have taken my friend's advice to bring someone along to hold my hand :)  The doctor looked at my films from the ultrasound of my chest and did a health history for all the risk factors(I had none) and said he was fairly certain it was nothing, the smooth edges didn't look like cancer on the films, I have no risk factors, I'm only 31, I've nursed my 2 babies over a year each...but just to make sure the biopsy's a good idea.  We kept busy all week so there wasn't really even time to worry, although I'm still not going to start until I find out there's a reason to :)  And my daughter won the ice cream cake from the radio station for her birthday! I'm sure I was more excited than she was :) so many little gifts...

Monday, June 26, 2006

Progress...

I was finally able to make an appointment with a surgeon...the first surgeon I saw left me waiting for 2 hours past my appointment time, his office was cold, he didn't bring in a nurse during the exam just left the door open, and apparently didn't read my chart closely enough to see the part at the top where it said I'm 17 weeks pregnant! He started pushing on my belly really hard and I had to enlighten him...I thought maybe the poor guy was just having a really rough day but a nurse friend of mine said all of that was totally out of line(I was pretty sure, but really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt), besides the fact he wants to go ahead and just do a lumpectomy rather than a biopsy first.  So after a lot of insurance research and my friend's input, I have an appointment with a really great surgeon and can hopefully put all this behind us soon! 

Friday, May 26, 2006

Waiting...


My dear husband is away for awhile on a deployment but we're managing...I took the girls to the Blueberry Festival in Burgaw, NC...we had a great time doing "normal" family stuff, even though we all missed Daddy.  I keep trying to get some tests done, but I'm really getting the run around at my obgyn...I've asked some friends to recommend a new doctor so I can get a referral for a biopsy.  They did finally get me set-up with an ultrasound at a radiologist and apparently the films need to be evaluated by a surgeon.  Its worth it to persevere through all this trouble just to know one way or the other, even though this is just about the last thing I want to be focusing on right now with the baby coming and taking care of the girls myself...

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

To begin, at the beginning...


After a rough year for our family, moving twice, a marital rough spot...we find we are pregnant with number 3 and are so excited!  All babies are a miracle, each time we've been ecstatic...but this time seems like such a miracle!  If the Lord hadn't moved our mountains in the last year, we wouldn't be here, this little one wouldn't be here!!  The girls are so excited and started putting bibs on each other...the only way a 1 and 3 year old know how to prepare for a little one :)
I did find a lump the other day but since "tissue is changing" and I've found lumps during my other pregnancies, always have been told that its just part of my body preparing to feed the baby...I'm not too worried.  I'm not sure why, I do worry about some things and the "C" word is at the top of everyone's list of terrifying things...I guess I'm not going to lose sleep over it until I find out there's something to lose sleep over...a dear friend tells me I would sense if there was something wrong with my body, other friends tell me I'm so young and healthy, they're sure its nothing.  I just don't believe any of us have any guarantees in this life, I appreciate that they mean well but they can't really say its nothing...God is good and that is not affected by any results I might get either way.