Friday, July 28, 2006

And now it begins...

I was able to get in touch with my poor husband on the other side of the world...I can't imagine how difficult it must be for him!  And I was able to make a few phone calls to other family and dear friends...I feel so sad as I dial the number, knowing how I would ache for that person if they called me with this news...its hard but somehow joyful to share with them the way the Lord has been carrying us from that first moment...all that He's given me to hold on to...and these are people who know me well enough to know these words are not coming from me :) the wimp :)  I wonder a little bit, having learned about the stages of grief, am I in denial, shock, trying to be strong, comfort everyone else...? I'm not going worry about it, I know I have cancer, I know its on my top ten list of things I could not survive that the Lord got a hold of somehow a few years back :)  and He's faithfully showed me through each item on the list pretty much that I can MORE than survive with Him, in Him, through Him...He is SOOOO good! I keep having thoughts go through my mind..."what about our girls, Lord?" and He reminds me that He has taken great care of me during the most painful times in my life and provided all kinds of friends and family to be His physical Loving Arms to hold me up and comfort me, will He do less for my dear children, if it were to come to that? Laura, you KNOW I love them even more than you do...since they were born you've realized more and more each day as you love them, HOW much I love My children...you KNOW I'm going to take care of you, you KNOW I will work all this out for good...
Every natural fear or worry that pops up, it seems He's peeking over my shoulder with a bazooka and blasts it away with a few words of peace...I'm constantly in a little bit of shock at how peaceful I feel...
I'm so glad that I have this great doctor, that my husband is on a plane already and should be home tomorrow sometime, that my girls may remember someday how we knelt on the floor when we got home yesterday and thanked the Lord for knowing all things, for holding Isaiah in His Hands, and asking Him to take care of this cancer we do not know how to fight...what a blessing to walk through this with friends and family to care about us, with children watching our God do His thing, from a young age for them to see that He is the One we turn to, that praise and prayer is how we fight, that we can rest in uncertainty knowing the One who knows all things is Good and Powerful, certainly more than able to save us from all harm...that He wouldn't allow anything without a great purpose...having looked this beast in the eye, if what He does in my life can bring hope to even one person facing the same thing, it is SOOO worth it...I say that now, I pray He grants me the strength to mean that through the days ahead...

Thursday, July 27, 2006

An email I sent out that afternoon...

"i'm sorry to do this over email...
i just got the results of a biopsy this morning and i have cancer...i'm going to have surgery late next week to remove the lump and test my lymph nodes so i'll know more after that but they want to start chemotherapy right away, they said there's minimal risk to Isaiah since i'm in the 2nd trimester...and i'm not sure when jim is going to be able to come home yet...
i just feel so blessed because i have such good friends here if i need help and i'm so thankful that Isaiah is in God's hands regardless of what's going on...and God has reminded me of a verse or a song almost each moment since this morning...that even when i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i need fear no eveil, that the joy of the Lord is my strength, that His strength is made perfect in my weakness, that He has plans to give me a hope and a future and not to harm me, that He asks me not to fear or be discouraged because He is with me, He is my Healer and the Great Physician...there are no guarantees of the outcome but that He works all things together for good and that He's with me...He is just such a good God to walk through something like this with...just to let you know where i'm at right now, i'm sad and scared but these are the thoughts i hold on to in my weakness
thank you in advance for your prayers and please pray for jim, the poor guy had to hear the news over the phone from the other side of the planet..."

Results...

Mom and I talked about going to the park later since she's leaving tomorrow and ended up deciding to just all go to my appointment since it probably won't take very long and then we could just take the girls from there.  She kept the girls occupied with coloring books in the lobby while I went back to meet with the doctor.  He's a very nice man, his nurses are really sweet, its so nice to feel comfortable at a time like this, as comfortable as you can feel :) 
So he sits down and types some things on his computer, asks me how I am, how far along in the pregnancy are you again?...then...
"So we did find just a little bit of breast cancer..."
    God bless him, like a little is better than a lot :)  what a sweet gentle way to put the information that just turned my world upside down...

so clearly, I feel 2 Hands take my shoulders, holding me up, and a Voice saying "Here we go..." 

which to me, said so many things..."I'm here. I'm not surprised by any of this. I'm staying right here. With you. Holding you up. Whatever is to come, its us, you and Me that will face it..." how do you beat that kind of comfort? What fear could I hold on to that could stand up to THAT?!

He went on to explain just a few things and then asked if I had anyone with me, the nurse offered to run out and get my mom to come in(what a blessing for a mom to get to hear this with her daughter and not on a phone across the country!? or even to find out when I got back from the appointment like we'd planned) and I asked the doctor about chemotherapy after the baby was born and he said "No, we need to keep you around for those girls and we need to get this thing as soon as possible to give you the best chance, there is a lot of research out there that it is safe during the 2nd and 3rd trimesters, causes birth defects and mortality during the first trimester but you are well into your second...you can read about it, 15 year old children whose mothers underwent chemo while they were in the womb and who are perfectly healthy with normal development..."(now I can see what a blessing delays and obstacles can be...)

The nurses kept my girls in the hallway, thoroughly engrossed and overjoyed by a huge bag of stickers, they were so sweet!  Meanwhile, the doctor repeated to my mom what he'd told me about having surgery in two days and then beginning chemotherapy, and eventually radiation after the baby is born... Mom had a deathgrip :) on my hand and was making a valiant effort to stand and not shake too badly and try to stay clear minded enough to ask the right questions...poor Mom! This already seems so much more difficult for everyone else...what a rotten day for this poor doctor, having to tell a pregnant mother she has cancer, my poor Mom, I can't hardly imagine if it was me with one of my girls...I know that sounds ridiculous...I guess that's shock for you...

Tears were coming just a little bit, they kept asking if I was okay...I kept getting bits of psalms or old hymns, all kinds of things going through my head..."the Joy of the Lord is my strength" over and over... and I kept thinking...its His joy, I don't have the ridiculous task of having to come up with joy during something like this, and its not His might but His joy that is my strength, how beautiful to have joy in something like this, rather than simply feeling strong and determined, that female warrior they always portray breast cancer survivors as...I am not strong, I know that for CERTAIN...I'm in recovery from having become quite skilled at finding reasons to feel sorry for myself in any given situation...but I have this unexplainable joy in walking through this with my dear Lord beside and under and around and within me, truly the peace that passes understanding...it makes no sense being evident in my heart, as well as I know myself, aside from His putting it there and sustaining it...and then that His joy is my strength...I can be STRONG??? in THIS????!! how is that possible? my son is so small...I know what the doctor said about the studies but I can't comprehend having my BABY in the same body with my CANCER or my CHEMO...you want to protect your child...isn't the womb considered one of the safer places??  We just found out a few days ago that he's a boy...we'd had the name Isaiah picked out for years as a favorite and I'd confirmed that as our top choice when I told my husband the news over the phone and then I looked up again what it means..."Yahweh is my salvation"...the Lord KNEW, He always knew...in that moment when I heard "cancer" and felt my son move there was the reminder that He is not just the One who is able to save me from this, He is my son's salvation, no matter how this turns out...nothing can remove him from Those Hands...

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Biopsy

My mom came out for a visit for our youngest's 2nd birthday...its so great how the Lord provides all the little encouragements and pick-me-ups we need during a difficult time...she watched the girls while I went in for the biopsy--it HURT! made a big scary clicking sound...guess I should have taken my friend's advice to bring someone along to hold my hand :)  The doctor looked at my films from the ultrasound of my chest and did a health history for all the risk factors(I had none) and said he was fairly certain it was nothing, the smooth edges didn't look like cancer on the films, I have no risk factors, I'm only 31, I've nursed my 2 babies over a year each...but just to make sure the biopsy's a good idea.  We kept busy all week so there wasn't really even time to worry, although I'm still not going to start until I find out there's a reason to :)  And my daughter won the ice cream cake from the radio station for her birthday! I'm sure I was more excited than she was :) so many little gifts...