"I TOTALLY understand what you're saying! I've been in a marriage-issue support group and in there we learned about the grief cycle(which can translate to a lot of areas of life, not just death of a loved one) and how you can cycle back around through another phase of anger, or shock or denial, or sadness...
It is just an odd thing about life after cancer that sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who changed, other people are going about their daily life oblivious to how tenuous it is and I have this totally different perspective about how we can't take any moment for granted, we're not guaranteed a long life...and yet I still go for days sometimes forgetting all that, focused on "normal" everyday life, remembering less frequently that overwhelming gratitude for this moment and this time with our children and all the precious little details of life...
Plus, I don't know if you are taking any medication still for treatment but I'm taking Tamoxifen which I'm told affects my hormones and its difficult to figure out sometimes where all the emotions come from, my life, my normal hormones, my out of control hormones...it feels really out of control at times, especially when I feel sort of depressed, but not about anything in particular. And the fear that something else will be found, every time I go in for a mammogram or check up. I've had difficulty with my memory since chemo and have learned in all these areas that its an opportunity to lean on the One who DOES understand EXACTLY what is going on inside me, and can actually provide HELP, far better than any doctor or well-intentioned friend. Its a new area for the discipline of handing over to Him my crazy emotions or the feeling I'm forgetting something...time and again He has been FAITHFUL to provide EXACTLY what I needed...I'm NOT just saying that...in CRAZY, only-God kind of ways.
A very dear friend passed away suddenly, a little over a year ago, and I mourned so much for that whole family, they've been on my heart consistently ever since. I've really struggled with the thought of their time with him being "cut short" and if that's even accurate to say since God numbers our days. My kids have asked me about what would happen if I died while their daddy was deployed somewhere, and we've talked about death. And I've told them how life's fragility is really one of the ways we see how precious it is, what a gift each day is. And with any of God's gifts, they weren't meant to be clutched tightly but shared and poured out and embraced...so I tell them, I try to live each day in such a way that if it were to be the last day, for any one of us, I wouldn't have as many regrets...I make so many mistakes(some pretty willful) and still take so much for granted, but I still try to make the most of all the things He's given me. And accept His grace for what He HAS given me, instead of pleading for grace for all the 'what ifs" I could imagine and torment myself with. Its a daily(or momently) thing sometimes to hand over each fear, or potential fear :)
The Psalms are so good, Isaiah 54 is such a comfort, Hosea 2:15, Isaiah 63:9, Jeremiah 29:11, Joshua 21:44-45 ...Stormie Omartian's The Prayer that Changes Everything is sooo good
I'm SO so SO glad you wrote...I don't know much about anything but to have a chance to encourage a sister in Christ with the hope that I've found ONLY in Him, is such a blessing to me. I always think it redeems so much of what we go through when we can turn and encourage someone else because of what we've walked through...I don't know where I'd be without the friends He's blessed me with, right when and where and how I needed them because He was their Source too! :) You are NOT alone!
I'll look and see if there's anything else I've got that might be helpful, you'll be in my prayers!
Hugs and God bless~
Laura"
And PS....please, please let me know if there's some way I can be praying for you!
