Results...

Mom and I talked about going to the park later since she's leaving tomorrow and ended up deciding to just all go to my appointment since it probably won't take very long and then we could just take the girls from there.  She kept the girls occupied with coloring books in the lobby while I went back to meet with the doctor.  He's a very nice man, his nurses are really sweet, its so nice to feel comfortable at a time like this, as comfortable as you can feel :) 

So he sits down and types some things on his computer, asks me how I am, how far along in the pregnancy are you again?...then...

"So we did find just a little bit of breast cancer..."

    God bless him, like a little is better than a lot :)  what a sweet gentle way to put the information that just turned my world upside down...

so clearly, I feel 2 Hands take my shoulders, holding me up, and a Voice saying "Here we go..." 

which to me, said so many things..."I'm here. I'm not surprised by any of this. I'm staying right here. With you. Holding you up. Whatever is to come, its us, you and Me that will face it..." how do you beat that kind of comfort? What fear could I hold on to that could stand up to THAT?!

He went on to explain just a few things and then asked if I had anyone with me, the nurse offered to run out and get my mom to come in(what a blessing for a mom to get to hear this with her daughter and not on a phone across the country!? or even to find out when I got back from the appointment like we'd planned) and I asked the doctor about chemotherapy after the baby was born and he said "No, we need to keep you around for those girls and we need to get this thing as soon as possible to give you the best chance, there is a lot of research out there that it is safe during the 2nd and 3rd trimesters, causes birth defects and mortality during the first trimester but you are well into your second...you can read about it, 15 year old children whose mothers underwent chemo while they were in the womb and who are perfectly healthy with normal development..."(now I can see what a blessing delays and obstacles can be...)

The nurses kept my girls in the hallway, thoroughly engrossed and overjoyed by a huge bag of stickers, they were so sweet!  Meanwhile, the doctor repeated to my mom what he'd told me about having surgery in two days and then beginning chemotherapy, and eventually radiation after the baby is born... Mom had a deathgrip :) on my hand and was making a valiant effort to stand and not shake too badly and try to stay clear minded enough to ask the right questions...poor Mom! This already seems so much more difficult for everyone else...what a rotten day for this poor doctor, having to tell a pregnant mother she has cancer, my poor Mom, I can't hardly imagine if it was me with one of my girls...I know that sounds ridiculous...I guess that's shock for you...

Tears were coming just a little bit, they kept asking if I was okay...I kept getting bits of psalms or old hymns, all kinds of things going through my head..."the Joy of the Lord is my strength" over and over... and I kept thinking...its His joy, I don't have the ridiculous task of having to come up with joy during something like this, and its not His might but His joy that is my strength, how beautiful to have joy in something like this, rather than simply feeling strong and determined, that female warrior they always portray breast cancer survivors as...I am not strong, I know that for CERTAIN...I'm in recovery from having become quite skilled at finding reasons to feel sorry for myself in any given situation...but I have this unexplainable joy in walking through this with my dear Lord beside and under and around and within me, truly the peace that passes understanding...it makes no sense being evident in my heart, as well as I know myself, aside from His putting it there and sustaining it...and then that His joy is my strength...I can be STRONG??? in THIS????!! how is that possible? my son is so small...I know what the doctor said about the studies but I can't comprehend having my BABY in the same body with my CANCER or my CHEMO...you want to protect your child...isn't the womb considered one of the safer places??  We just found out a few days ago that he's a boy...we'd had the name Isaiah picked out for years as a favorite and I'd confirmed that as our top choice when I told my husband the news over the phone and then I looked up again what it means..."Yahweh is my salvation"...the Lord KNEW, He always knew...in that moment when I heard "cancer" and felt my son move there was the reminder that He is not just the One who is able to save me from this, He is my son's salvation, no matter how this turns out...nothing can remove him from Those Hands...