no fear

I was reading something last week and they were talking about the fear of recurrence, the cancer coming back...I don't know why but that doesn't seem to enter my thoughts...my dad told me a few months ago that its a big worry for him, after i told him that my husband mentioned being worried about it...for some reason, i feel very strongly that NOTHING can take me before He says its my time...so recurrence of cancer is on the same level as an auto crash, plane crash, act of violence, some deadly virus...on some level i feel sort of invincible, especially since i've experienced chemo treatments, surgeries, radiation, i don't believe i'm in denial either because at the same time i am SO grateful for the fragile gift of each new day, each new thing i get to experience with my children or my husband, its SO exciting that i'm still here and got to see it!!  i don't always mention that to anyone because it might come across as kind of morbid to some...what a beautiful autumn this is, i got to vote the other day, we made "stained glass" leaves yesterday and fresh, warm, homemade banana bread...life is an amazing gift!!!

finding the way...

i've started working on this blog out of a deep need to share what the Lord has done through all this...how can He bring meaning to difficulties if we aren't diligent about sharing that its all about Him? what a waste! i was singing at church on Sunday and realized that even though for over 2 years now i've been more grateful for life and all the beautiful gifts of just getting to live and be with my family and experience so many things...i'm brought to tears all the time with the realization that here is yet another "stolen" moment...not so much in the sense of something wanted me dead and I HAVE TRIUMPHED because i believe that nothing could remove me from the Father's hand or His timing in my life...but we all let the enemy steal our joy, we slip into despair about things we cannot control...and the Lord has protected me! and i STRUGGLE sometimes(perhaps relating to hormones) with feeling overwhelmed by life, that i can't do it, that i can't be even a mediocre mother to my beautiful children, that i'm not making a difference in this world...even though there's not anything i can put my finger on to make me feel that way... but God is SO GOOD and His joy IS my strength so that i eventually am carried out of that despair and the light shines again and i can SEE so many blessings to be grateful for...He has been SO GOOD.  i just have to figure out ways to share that, maybe this is one way...

so what i am even more grateful for than His saving my life...is that He saved me...He is saving me each day, i am SO grateful for grace and peace, for the renewing of my mind, for His redeeming the "un-redeemable" in my life again and again, that He is truly SUFFICIENT in all my weakness (too many to list), He is what holds me together, He is the color in life, He is the source of all comfort....

old

I am getting just a little tired of being poked and prodded and squeezed and asked questions...i know its proactive and beneficial and I'm grateful for the resources available to me...but this has gone on and on.  Everyone is very kind, I just can't seem to get excited about yet another mammogram...and this time they scheduled one for in a month and one for next year...and this just won't stop apparently. But I guess it is contributing to the mortality rate for breast cancer going down and I am grateful the Lord has blessed scientists and doctors with the knowledge  and understanding to fight this...and that He's helped me to come to the point where I can whine about an exam instead of crying for a day afterwards like I did 15 years ago. I'll just have to read Erma Bombeck's mammogram "horror" story again to cheer up and get ready for this thing :)

"What Helped Me Get Through"

Is the title of a book the American Cancer Society just came out with as a resource to cancer patients.  It's a compilation of the surveys a Dr. Julie Silver gathered from ACS's website...I filled out the survey a few months back(probably a little too early in the morning) and I actually made the book...it's odd to see your name in print, pretty humbling... I think it is such a fantastic resource for someone just starting down this path to see how all different types of people have chosen to face this thing. Its so neat to read what a kindred spirit wrote and also those I can't relate to much at all, other than we've both had cancer. Those who have no faith in God for example...what a completely different perspective that gives you of the disease...I'm sure they have a similarly difficult time understanding what got me through. Sometimes I don't understand it myself...why I have this trust in the Lord as opposed to being fighting mad that He would "do this to me"-- that I could more expect from the me I know :)  why I know, really KNOW that He loves me and has and will work all this out for my good, when that sounds a little like crazy talk!