"There is no greater mercy that I know of on earth than good health except it be sickness; and that has often been a greater mercy to me than health...

It is a good thing to be without a trouble; but it is a better thing to have a trouble, and know how to get grace enough to bear it." Spurgeon

Big Brother!

The little punkin is our Samuel, hopefully the adoption will be final in a few months...so far Isaiah LOVES being a big brother!

I was helping the girls pick out shirts the other day, one chose a "My Mama is a Survivor!" and the other a "I wear PINK for my Mom!" and Isaiah walked up and I found a black one that said, "I FIGHT for my Mommy!" and he said "I want that one, because I'm going to fight to protect you because you're my Mom!" I love it! He even walks me into the garage when I take out the recycling to protect me from spiders :)

A woman who found me through a facebook cancer group a couple years ago emailed me seeking some encouragement just now. She's confused and struggling with her emotions, worries and fears are replacing the emotional "high" of surviving...I feel at a loss to do much other than empathize and share what encouraged me, but if the Lord can use the little I have, I'm so grateful. Here's what I shared with her, maybe it can encourage someone else too :)

"I TOTALLY understand what you're saying! I've been in a marriage-issue support group and in there we learned about the grief cycle(which can translate to a lot of areas of life, not just death of a loved one) and how you can cycle back around through another phase of anger, or shock or denial, or sadness...

It is just an odd thing about life after cancer that sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who changed, other people are going about their daily life oblivious to how tenuous it is and I have this totally different perspective about how we can't take any moment for granted, we're not guaranteed a long life...and yet I still go for days sometimes forgetting all that, focused on "normal" everyday life, remembering less frequently that overwhelming gratitude for this moment and this time with our children and all the precious little details of life...

Plus, I don't know if you are taking any medication still for treatment but I'm taking Tamoxifen which I'm told affects my hormones and its difficult to figure out sometimes where all the emotions come from, my life, my normal hormones, my out of control hormones...it feels really out of control at times, especially when I feel sort of depressed, but not about anything in particular. And the fear that something else will be found, every time I go in for a mammogram or check up. I've had difficulty with my memory since chemo and have learned in all these areas that its an opportunity to lean on the One who DOES understand EXACTLY what is going on inside me, and can actually provide HELP, far better than any doctor or well-intentioned friend. Its a new area for the discipline of handing over to Him my crazy emotions or the feeling I'm forgetting something...time and again He has been FAITHFUL to provide EXACTLY what I needed...I'm NOT just saying that...in CRAZY, only-God kind of ways.

A very dear friend passed away suddenly, a little over a year ago, and I mourned so much for that whole family, they've been on my heart consistently ever since. I've really struggled with the thought of their time with him being "cut short" and if that's even accurate to say since God numbers our days. My kids have asked me about what would happen if I died while their daddy was deployed somewhere, and we've talked about death. And I've told them how life's fragility is really one of the ways we see how precious it is, what a gift each day is. And with any of God's gifts, they weren't meant to be clutched tightly but shared and poured out and embraced...so I tell them, I try to live each day in such a way that if it were to be the last day, for any one of us, I wouldn't have as many regrets...I make so many mistakes(some pretty willful) and still take so much for granted, but I still try to make the most of all the things He's given me. And accept His grace for what He HAS given me, instead of pleading for grace for all the 'what ifs" I could imagine and torment myself with. Its a daily(or momently) thing sometimes to hand over each fear, or potential fear :)

The Psalms are so good, Isaiah 54 is such a comfort, Hosea 2:15, Isaiah 63:9, Jeremiah 29:11, Joshua 21:44-45 ...Stormie Omartian's The Prayer that Changes Everything is sooo good

I'm SO so SO glad you wrote...I don't know much about anything but to have a chance to encourage a sister in Christ with the hope that I've found ONLY in Him, is such a blessing to me. I always think it redeems so much of what we go through when we can turn and encourage someone else because of what we've walked through...I don't know where I'd be without the friends He's blessed me with, right when and where and how I needed them because He was their Source too! :) You are NOT alone!

I'll look and see if there's anything else I've got that might be helpful, you'll be in my prayers!

Hugs and God bless~

Laura"

And PS....please, please let me know if there's some way I can be praying for you!

Found these quotes and had to post them here:

"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink; but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death." - Thomas Paine

"Now - here is my secret: I tell it to you with an openness of heart that I doubt I shall ever achieve again, so I pray that you are in a quiet room as you hear these words. My secret is that I need God - that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love." - Douglas Coupland in "Life After God"

Please do let me know if there's ever anything I can pray for you about, it would be an honor!

4 YEARS OLD!!

Cannot tell you HOW grateful we are for every moment we've been blessed to share with this little fella(and honestly, he can run us through the wringer at times :) There are some big plans for him and most days, he's got big plans of his own! Little warrior :)

Had another SQUEEZIN' time down at the Mammography Clinic the other day(you really ought to try it, it's not terrible :) )...it's always a good reminder of how far we've come, walking through the halls and offices filled with people fighting for their lives(experiencing FAR worse symptoms and side effects than I EVER did).

It's GOOD to be grateful, to have a moment now and then where you catch a glimpse of what you have because you're stilled and quiet and not so distracted with life whirling around you. I'm so grateful to have had all these years with our children, I'm so grateful for all those awful moments that made our average everyday troubles seem so pitifully unimportant, and made Him SHINE! He is just so good to all of us, so merciful and faithful to supply every little need, and every gigantic one too. Like sanity sometimes when you feel on the edge, perfect peace when you're frantic, a literal eye in the storm. As a wise and good parent, He says no to things that would harm us or not benefit us and allows some pretty awful things knowing HOW MUCH He'll be able to bless us on the other side... and He is that way for every one of us!

Merry Christmas! A helpless little infant blessing us with peace and healing and overwhelming joy yet again :)

Our BIG boy! :)

Just celebrated another clear mammogram and the 4th anniversary of the day I heard those words..."we did find just a little bit of breast cancer..."

It's good to remember where we were, and ponder how far we've come. Just because life is feeling pretty normal again doesn't change the truth: that life is tenuous and we are not guaranteed another moment or breath...each one is an amazing gift...we all need to remember that!

What a great gift that comes from such a difficult circumstance...the chance to realize and treasure our time with our loved ones because we see that truth so clearly through someone's illness or death, the chance to not continue on taking for granted these little moments, that precious smile.

My brother and his wife with the kids...my friend's mom just found out her breast cancer is back...I have a hard time imagining how that must feel...after going through so much and finally putting it behind you...and then to KNOW what the treatment is like and what you're in for...but at the same time, there is always the Plan, His Plan, of which we only get a small glimpse of a tiny part and from our limited perspective...some day we will get to see the whole picture but we do know the One Who sees all and knows all and is GOOD, absolutely, all the time...and I believe that's enough. There's plenty of things I've walked through that if I would have known more of what was to come, I would've run away fast :) and plenty more times that if someone had told me the precious gifts that were hidden in this dark valley, and that I could only grasp them by walking through it...I can't say I would've skipped joyfully ahead, but I might have felt more inspired to go on. My cousin's husband is facing a valley right now...they have a BEAUTIFUL family and my heart breaks for them but I am HOLDing on to the absolute certainty that they WILL NOT be short changed in any way...there is purpose and grace in all of it and He promised not to leave us alone, I know He does not. Ever.

3 YEARS!!

This is a VERY excited little boy, we'd just pulled up to his sister's surprise birthday party :) The Lord was SOO good to me that day, 3 years ago today, so faithful... continually reminding me "the joy of the Lord is my strength" and continually supplying exactly what was needed in all the new and foreign situations I found myself in...feels like a thief tried to steal something away that wasn't his 3 years ago and I get to laugh at him now...I keep looking at Isaiah and remembering how I didn't know if I'd get to know him and love him the way I do...what a gift these 3 years have been, "stolen time" seems sweeter :)

Strawberry Pickin'

I was talking to a friend yesterday about struggling through difficult times in your life, striving to be strong and do what you have to do...only to get a moment's rest and realize how utterly exhausted and spent you are...that you have nothing left for the next step...

I started thinking back to what life was like 2 1/2 years ago and how there was such a contrast between what I could conjure up within myself to face that battle, and the undeserved gift of God's grace and peace that He gave me as He carried me through each step...the fear I would feel at the sound of such unfamiliar words applied to me..."malignant," "cancer," "chemotherapy," "adjuvant," "port placement..." even speaking of surgery while I was still pregnant...WAY out of my comfort zone, and the stark contrast of the peace He just applied so immediately at just the right moment, in just the right way...so much weakness and dependence(SO imperfectly) resting on so much strength, finding such a solid foundation firmly beneath...so clearly not coming from ANYTHING in me! 

It seems rather backwards to learn how to be weak, how to depend entirely on Him, how to ask for help that you could never begin to repay, accepting overwhelmingly generous kindnesses you didn't even know you needed which you can't even express gratitude for, just reduced to tears...not so much the picture of strength and courage and unfading and unfailing hope, just a helpless baby, really...at least that's how I felt...makes my Father all the more precious to me!!! :) 

He saved me in His strength alone, He fought when I had nothing left to give, He blessed my children, all of them, and protected them when I couldn't, He held our family together through the weight of it all, He brought countless people to pour out His love to us...there just aren't words to express...but I'll keep trying! :)

Happy Easter Day!

Jesus conquered death and gave us life and hope and victory and peace...this song is so powerful!!

In Christ Alone

Words and Music by Keith Getty and Stuart Townsend

In Christ alone my hope is found;

He is my light, my strength, my song;

This cornerstone, this solid ground,

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace,

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!

My comforter, my all in all--

Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,

Fullness of God in helpless babe!

This gift of love and righteousness,

Scorned by the ones He came to save.

Till on that cross as Jesus died,

The wrath of God was satisfied;

For ev'ry sin on Him was laid--

Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay, 

Light of the world by darkness slain;

Then bursting forth in glorious day,

Up from the grave He rose again!

And as He stands in victory,

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;

For I am His and He is mine--

Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death--

This is the pow'r of Christ in me;

From life's first cry to final breath,

Jesus commands my destiny.

No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man, 

Can ever pluck me from His hand;

Till He returns or calls me home--

Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.

Little Mr. Fixit Jr.

lil snow man

questions...

I've been really struggling this week...a new friend of mine is in treatment and awaiting the safe arrival of her little one and is fighting so many side effects of the medicine and the obvious strain in her family life...my heart is just broken for her...

There's so many parts of our story that seem almost unfairly easier than the average...I remember having someone tell me that a cousin had taken the same chemo I did and she was in the hospital for a few weeks because it made her so sick. At the time I thanked the Lord for His mercy and marveled at how "well" I felt, comparitively...

There's a part of me that thinks if it was a friend of mine, I might tell her something like this: "Now you have been through a lot, and its a little ridiculous for you to be feeling guilty about parts of this being a little easier for you than for others you've heard about...the Lord has His reasons and you KNOW He is more than Gracious to all, even when its hard to see at the time...and there's a thousand mercies each day that we continue on, oblivious to the terrible things that "might have been"...you had some unique things in your situation with marital difficulties and two young daughters to care for, and the Lord happened to spare you from things like sores in your mouth making it nearly impossible for you to eat, on top of extreme nausea, on top of weakness and fatigue to the point you could barely make it off the couch and family members semi-paralyzed with depression...its okay for you to be grateful and have peace with it!"

But I REALLY don't feel okay about it sometimes...

I read the book "The Shack" a couple days ago and its gotten me thinking about so many things and how this all works that He allows things and works things for His purposes for our good, all out of His great love for us(FANTASTIC book, by the way!)...for some reason, maybe some sort of martyr-complex, I find that perspective easier to hold onto with my own pains, than with my own blessings or with the pains of those around me...why is that???

I just wish I lived a little closer to this friend, that if nothing else I could cry with her, make her some kind of fruity shake, fold her laundry, and plan a birthday party for her son...

You wouldn't believe how much the (seemingly) smallest kindness can mean to someone who is hurting...(thanks again dear friends!)  I know it's hard for some people...maybe you don't know how to reach out, what to say, ...maybe you're terrified of saying something stupid(and people do end up saying some rather idiotic things at times) but what if just admitting that up front, apologetically offering something, because you CARE...what if that saves someone that day, and what if you didn't do it simply because you might do the wrong thing, is it really about you? A friend of mine said she's tired of people telling her she looks great, that's okay for her to feel that way, and it was sweet of them to say so...it was great that they said something! When I was bald and getting odd looks at Walmart I wanted so badly to make a tshirt that said something like: "Yes, I'm pregnant(its not a tumor), Yes, I do have cancer, Yes, I'm bald from chemo...Feel free to ask any questions you may have, I'd actually love to talk to you about it...can I tell you about all the AMAZING things that have happened through this?!" ...but that's a lot to put on a tshirt...and I'm sure not everyone feels that way...there were days where I felt so conspicuous and a little weary of the whole cancer thing :) 

But really, what's wrong with just asking people if they're comfortable with you letting them know in some way that you care...we don't do that enough, I know I don't!

Merry Christmas!

What a JOY to celebrate Christmas with this sweet little fella...thinking back to 2 years ago when he was sooo tiny and we celebrated my very FAVORITE Christmas ever! I kept thinking about Mary as she got closer to the time when she gave birth to our Lord. Even though she may not have had any idea that she would have to watch Him die, she must have known there would be things about her son's life that she would need to trust the Father about, even as she had trusted Him with the circumstances of Jesus' conception... There are so many examples of faithful men and women who have trusted the Lord with their children in all kinds of different circumstances...I have been so awed by the things the Lord has done for us and so many others, it inspires me each day when I am tempted to worry with that CRAZY-mother-worry drive that kicked in at some point during my first pregnancy :)  Instead of letting it consume me I can turn to the Good Father Who has proved Himself so many times before and choose to trust...just in a different way than I did when he was so small. Now he's a little leprechaun who climbs and leaps everywhere constantly, falling, throwing, bumping into things...very active little man.

2nd Birthday!

So many times when he was wiggling around inside I would think about what it would be like to see him toddle around, hear his first words, watch him play with his sisters...mostly I thought about what it would be like to have a cup of coffee with my son when he's 21 or so and smile together as I share with him the story, once again, for the hundredth time...how the Lord held him in His hands, his little life, and brought him into being at the perfect time, and shielded him from so many things that might have been...what a miracle! Every child is a miracle and its huge...but this boy and the circumstances of his birth have made me realize how the Lord feels about each life, a pregnancy of any length is not to be taken for granted, life should never be taken for granted, a healthy baby is fragile and delicate and strong and powerful and all are held in His hands, so precious!! And He cares for each of us THAT much...Isaiah is no more or less a miracle than my other children, or you or me...but the circumstances of his birth speak a message...I am humbled to play a role in sharing it here at the start but as he grows I imagine the Lord has this and many more things in store to speak through his life...I'm excited about that cup of coffee we'll share one day, talking about our Lord and His shameless and limitless exhibitions of His Glory! And we have just one of so many stories...how blessed we are!!

A beautiful day...

My sweet husband and a couple other friends had mentioned praying for the results of the mammogram to be negative(in a positive way) and I got to thinking as I went through the motions of getting ready to go to the appointment for my doctor to give me the results, about what if this sends us into another step on this journey...I don't mean to sound overly calm...I was a little bit like a child when they feel uncertain, or their footing is slipping a little and they say "maMA?!" where their voice goes up at the end a little bit...I said "LorD?! What if...and I'm at this appointment by myself and Lord what if I have to call him at work and that would be sad for him, and what if I have to go and be tired again and now I have 3 kids..." and then He took my face in His Hands and said "Laura..." and I thought, "Oh yeah... :)  sorry..."  So then we had a good little time of smiling into the uncertainty and singing together(quietly in the cold little exam room with that little scrap of a gown that offers no warmth) about how He's good. Period. and He knows. and i know i don't. But that I trust Him...and that's just it. It was a BEAUTIFUL time, He was THERE and...I think maybe the enemy might have been a little ticked off, which is good. But what I really care about is that there was no other comfort in those moments together...so often I have reached out to other people, or knowledge, or chocolate...but it was all Him and it was sweet. And that sweetness was not diminished or strengthened by the fact that the mammogram was clear...it was just what it was, and that didn't have much to do with my efforts or great focus or positive attitude or "strong religious faith"...just my Friend.

oh the mammogram...

i had the privilege of receiving a mammogram yesterday...i'm trying to see it that way...the relatively GREAT healthcare we have the privilege of having access to in our country really is such a gift, and early detection is a really good way to beat this thing...

i just got to thinking that since the beginning of all this, my body is really not my own anymore. For the rest of my life, there will be bloodwork and exams and mammograms, and they're not fun. Its kind of a pain(literally) and an inconvenience to have to continually arrange our schedule for all the appointments...but there's not so many anymore, they're not nearly so intimidating and if given the choice, i'd rather pay this price for the chance to fight a little more proactively. And i think it is good for my kids, who accompany me to a lot of the appointments, learning compassion for those who are ill and the realities of life and their way around a hospital, without traumatizing them!

When i was thinking about it, its not really so different as any other area of my life, it used to be mine, but now its His, to be used for His purposes in this life...and since this illness will be used by Him to accomplish His good purposes not just for me but for others around me(as all things are when we trust and love Him), throughout my life, something that was meant for evil has been transformed into something good. Which just amazes me! 

And i will try not grumble about mammograms :) even though they are NOT one of my favorite things. But really, its not that bad and you should get one too if you are of age :)

Ribbon Walk

I took 2 of the kids with me Saturday and walked in the Ribbon Walk for the Friends of the Cancer...such an odd feeling accepting my Survivor pin...I was so excited to go and maybe get to share our story with someone, but there was a sea of faces and all I could think of was Michelle and her family...There was an awesome speaker who spoke so honestly about how it was so difficult at times but that she gave God all the credit for healing her, that she's been here all these years since, and she shared that since losing her father to lung cancer she had a difficult time volunteering for anything related to cancer, it was just too fresh...

I look at my children and know things could be so different for them right now, and I am so grateful...sometimes I just have a hard time thinking about...Michelle is in Heaven, which is by far a better place, her children will be okay, the Lord will see to them, use this for good in their lives, comfort and care for them their lifelong...and I'm here with my children living this gift of life the best I can by God's grace, not taking it for granted quite as much as I always had as an "innocent/invincible/strong" person...the Lord will have to reconcile the two of us I guess.

no fear

I was reading something last week and they were talking about the fear of recurrence, the cancer coming back...I don't know why but that doesn't seem to enter my thoughts...my dad told me a few months ago that its a big worry for him, after i told him that my husband mentioned being worried about it...for some reason, i feel very strongly that NOTHING can take me before He says its my time...so recurrence of cancer is on the same level as an auto crash, plane crash, act of violence, some deadly virus...on some level i feel sort of invincible, especially since i've experienced chemo treatments, surgeries, radiation, i don't believe i'm in denial either because at the same time i am SO grateful for the fragile gift of each new day, each new thing i get to experience with my children or my husband, its SO exciting that i'm still here and got to see it!!  i don't always mention that to anyone because it might come across as kind of morbid to some...what a beautiful autumn this is, i got to vote the other day, we made "stained glass" leaves yesterday and fresh, warm, homemade banana bread...life is an amazing gift!!!