Merry Christmas!

What a JOY to celebrate Christmas with this sweet little fella...thinking back to 2 years ago when he was sooo tiny and we celebrated my very FAVORITE Christmas ever! I kept thinking about Mary as she got closer to the time when she gave birth to our Lord. Even though she may not have had any idea that she would have to watch Him die, she must have known there would be things about her son's life that she would need to trust the Father about, even as she had trusted Him with the circumstances of Jesus' conception... There are so many examples of faithful men and women who have trusted the Lord with their children in all kinds of different circumstances...I have been so awed by the things the Lord has done for us and so many others, it inspires me each day when I am tempted to worry with that CRAZY-mother-worry drive that kicked in at some point during my first pregnancy :)  Instead of letting it consume me I can turn to the Good Father Who has proved Himself so many times before and choose to trust...just in a different way than I did when he was so small. Now he's a little leprechaun who climbs and leaps everywhere constantly, falling, throwing, bumping into things...very active little man.

2nd Birthday!

So many times when he was wiggling around inside I would think about what it would be like to see him toddle around, hear his first words, watch him play with his sisters...mostly I thought about what it would be like to have a cup of coffee with my son when he's 21 or so and smile together as I share with him the story, once again, for the hundredth time...how the Lord held him in His hands, his little life, and brought him into being at the perfect time, and shielded him from so many things that might have been...what a miracle! Every child is a miracle and its huge...but this boy and the circumstances of his birth have made me realize how the Lord feels about each life, a pregnancy of any length is not to be taken for granted, life should never be taken for granted, a healthy baby is fragile and delicate and strong and powerful and all are held in His hands, so precious!! And He cares for each of us THAT much...Isaiah is no more or less a miracle than my other children, or you or me...but the circumstances of his birth speak a message...I am humbled to play a role in sharing it here at the start but as he grows I imagine the Lord has this and many more things in store to speak through his life...I'm excited about that cup of coffee we'll share one day, talking about our Lord and His shameless and limitless exhibitions of His Glory! And we have just one of so many stories...how blessed we are!!

A beautiful day...

My sweet husband and a couple other friends had mentioned praying for the results of the mammogram to be negative(in a positive way) and I got to thinking as I went through the motions of getting ready to go to the appointment for my doctor to give me the results, about what if this sends us into another step on this journey...I don't mean to sound overly calm...I was a little bit like a child when they feel uncertain, or their footing is slipping a little and they say "maMA?!" where their voice goes up at the end a little bit...I said "LorD?! What if...and I'm at this appointment by myself and Lord what if I have to call him at work and that would be sad for him, and what if I have to go and be tired again and now I have 3 kids..." and then He took my face in His Hands and said "Laura..." and I thought, "Oh yeah... :)  sorry..."  So then we had a good little time of smiling into the uncertainty and singing together(quietly in the cold little exam room with that little scrap of a gown that offers no warmth) about how He's good. Period. and He knows. and i know i don't. But that I trust Him...and that's just it. It was a BEAUTIFUL time, He was THERE and...I think maybe the enemy might have been a little ticked off, which is good. But what I really care about is that there was no other comfort in those moments together...so often I have reached out to other people, or knowledge, or chocolate...but it was all Him and it was sweet. And that sweetness was not diminished or strengthened by the fact that the mammogram was clear...it was just what it was, and that didn't have much to do with my efforts or great focus or positive attitude or "strong religious faith"...just my Friend.

oh the mammogram...

i had the privilege of receiving a mammogram yesterday...i'm trying to see it that way...the relatively GREAT healthcare we have the privilege of having access to in our country really is such a gift, and early detection is a really good way to beat this thing...

i just got to thinking that since the beginning of all this, my body is really not my own anymore. For the rest of my life, there will be bloodwork and exams and mammograms, and they're not fun. Its kind of a pain(literally) and an inconvenience to have to continually arrange our schedule for all the appointments...but there's not so many anymore, they're not nearly so intimidating and if given the choice, i'd rather pay this price for the chance to fight a little more proactively. And i think it is good for my kids, who accompany me to a lot of the appointments, learning compassion for those who are ill and the realities of life and their way around a hospital, without traumatizing them!

When i was thinking about it, its not really so different as any other area of my life, it used to be mine, but now its His, to be used for His purposes in this life...and since this illness will be used by Him to accomplish His good purposes not just for me but for others around me(as all things are when we trust and love Him), throughout my life, something that was meant for evil has been transformed into something good. Which just amazes me! 

And i will try not grumble about mammograms :) even though they are NOT one of my favorite things. But really, its not that bad and you should get one too if you are of age :)

Ribbon Walk

I took 2 of the kids with me Saturday and walked in the Ribbon Walk for the Friends of the Cancer...such an odd feeling accepting my Survivor pin...I was so excited to go and maybe get to share our story with someone, but there was a sea of faces and all I could think of was Michelle and her family...There was an awesome speaker who spoke so honestly about how it was so difficult at times but that she gave God all the credit for healing her, that she's been here all these years since, and she shared that since losing her father to lung cancer she had a difficult time volunteering for anything related to cancer, it was just too fresh...

I look at my children and know things could be so different for them right now, and I am so grateful...sometimes I just have a hard time thinking about...Michelle is in Heaven, which is by far a better place, her children will be okay, the Lord will see to them, use this for good in their lives, comfort and care for them their lifelong...and I'm here with my children living this gift of life the best I can by God's grace, not taking it for granted quite as much as I always had as an "innocent/invincible/strong" person...the Lord will have to reconcile the two of us I guess.

no fear

I was reading something last week and they were talking about the fear of recurrence, the cancer coming back...I don't know why but that doesn't seem to enter my thoughts...my dad told me a few months ago that its a big worry for him, after i told him that my husband mentioned being worried about it...for some reason, i feel very strongly that NOTHING can take me before He says its my time...so recurrence of cancer is on the same level as an auto crash, plane crash, act of violence, some deadly virus...on some level i feel sort of invincible, especially since i've experienced chemo treatments, surgeries, radiation, i don't believe i'm in denial either because at the same time i am SO grateful for the fragile gift of each new day, each new thing i get to experience with my children or my husband, its SO exciting that i'm still here and got to see it!!  i don't always mention that to anyone because it might come across as kind of morbid to some...what a beautiful autumn this is, i got to vote the other day, we made "stained glass" leaves yesterday and fresh, warm, homemade banana bread...life is an amazing gift!!!

finding the way...

i've started working on this blog out of a deep need to share what the Lord has done through all this...how can He bring meaning to difficulties if we aren't diligent about sharing that its all about Him? what a waste! i was singing at church on Sunday and realized that even though for over 2 years now i've been more grateful for life and all the beautiful gifts of just getting to live and be with my family and experience so many things...i'm brought to tears all the time with the realization that here is yet another "stolen" moment...not so much in the sense of something wanted me dead and I HAVE TRIUMPHED because i believe that nothing could remove me from the Father's hand or His timing in my life...but we all let the enemy steal our joy, we slip into despair about things we cannot control...and the Lord has protected me! and i STRUGGLE sometimes(perhaps relating to hormones) with feeling overwhelmed by life, that i can't do it, that i can't be even a mediocre mother to my beautiful children, that i'm not making a difference in this world...even though there's not anything i can put my finger on to make me feel that way... but God is SO GOOD and His joy IS my strength so that i eventually am carried out of that despair and the light shines again and i can SEE so many blessings to be grateful for...He has been SO GOOD.  i just have to figure out ways to share that, maybe this is one way...

so what i am even more grateful for than His saving my life...is that He saved me...He is saving me each day, i am SO grateful for grace and peace, for the renewing of my mind, for His redeeming the "un-redeemable" in my life again and again, that He is truly SUFFICIENT in all my weakness (too many to list), He is what holds me together, He is the color in life, He is the source of all comfort....

old

I am getting just a little tired of being poked and prodded and squeezed and asked questions...i know its proactive and beneficial and I'm grateful for the resources available to me...but this has gone on and on.  Everyone is very kind, I just can't seem to get excited about yet another mammogram...and this time they scheduled one for in a month and one for next year...and this just won't stop apparently. But I guess it is contributing to the mortality rate for breast cancer going down and I am grateful the Lord has blessed scientists and doctors with the knowledge  and understanding to fight this...and that He's helped me to come to the point where I can whine about an exam instead of crying for a day afterwards like I did 15 years ago. I'll just have to read Erma Bombeck's mammogram "horror" story again to cheer up and get ready for this thing :)

"What Helped Me Get Through"

Is the title of a book the American Cancer Society just came out with as a resource to cancer patients.  It's a compilation of the surveys a Dr. Julie Silver gathered from ACS's website...I filled out the survey a few months back(probably a little too early in the morning) and I actually made the book...it's odd to see your name in print, pretty humbling... I think it is such a fantastic resource for someone just starting down this path to see how all different types of people have chosen to face this thing. Its so neat to read what a kindred spirit wrote and also those I can't relate to much at all, other than we've both had cancer. Those who have no faith in God for example...what a completely different perspective that gives you of the disease...I'm sure they have a similarly difficult time understanding what got me through. Sometimes I don't understand it myself...why I have this trust in the Lord as opposed to being fighting mad that He would "do this to me"-- that I could more expect from the me I know :)  why I know, really KNOW that He loves me and has and will work all this out for my good, when that sounds a little like crazy talk!