My brother and his wife with the kids...my friend's mom just found out her breast cancer is back...I have a hard time imagining how that must feel...after going through so much and finally putting it behind you...and then to KNOW what the treatment is like and what you're in for...but at the same time, there is always the Plan, His Plan, of which we only get a small glimpse of a tiny part and from our limited perspective...some day we will get to see the whole picture but we do know the One Who sees all and knows all and is GOOD, absolutely, all the time...and I believe that's enough. There's plenty of things I've walked through that if I would have known more of what was to come, I would've run away fast :) and plenty more times that if someone had told me the precious gifts that were hidden in this dark valley, and that I could only grasp them by walking through it...I can't say I would've skipped joyfully ahead, but I might have felt more inspired to go on. My cousin's husband is facing a valley right now...they have a BEAUTIFUL family and my heart breaks for them but I am HOLDing on to the absolute certainty that they WILL NOT be short changed in any way...there is purpose and grace in all of it and He promised not to leave us alone, I know He does not. Ever.

3 YEARS!!

This is a VERY excited little boy, we'd just pulled up to his sister's surprise birthday party :) The Lord was SOO good to me that day, 3 years ago today, so faithful... continually reminding me "the joy of the Lord is my strength" and continually supplying exactly what was needed in all the new and foreign situations I found myself in...feels like a thief tried to steal something away that wasn't his 3 years ago and I get to laugh at him now...I keep looking at Isaiah and remembering how I didn't know if I'd get to know him and love him the way I do...what a gift these 3 years have been, "stolen time" seems sweeter :)

Strawberry Pickin'

I was talking to a friend yesterday about struggling through difficult times in your life, striving to be strong and do what you have to do...only to get a moment's rest and realize how utterly exhausted and spent you are...that you have nothing left for the next step...

I started thinking back to what life was like 2 1/2 years ago and how there was such a contrast between what I could conjure up within myself to face that battle, and the undeserved gift of God's grace and peace that He gave me as He carried me through each step...the fear I would feel at the sound of such unfamiliar words applied to me..."malignant," "cancer," "chemotherapy," "adjuvant," "port placement..." even speaking of surgery while I was still pregnant...WAY out of my comfort zone, and the stark contrast of the peace He just applied so immediately at just the right moment, in just the right way...so much weakness and dependence(SO imperfectly) resting on so much strength, finding such a solid foundation firmly beneath...so clearly not coming from ANYTHING in me! 

It seems rather backwards to learn how to be weak, how to depend entirely on Him, how to ask for help that you could never begin to repay, accepting overwhelmingly generous kindnesses you didn't even know you needed which you can't even express gratitude for, just reduced to tears...not so much the picture of strength and courage and unfading and unfailing hope, just a helpless baby, really...at least that's how I felt...makes my Father all the more precious to me!!! :) 

He saved me in His strength alone, He fought when I had nothing left to give, He blessed my children, all of them, and protected them when I couldn't, He held our family together through the weight of it all, He brought countless people to pour out His love to us...there just aren't words to express...but I'll keep trying! :)

Happy Easter Day!

Jesus conquered death and gave us life and hope and victory and peace...this song is so powerful!!

In Christ Alone

Words and Music by Keith Getty and Stuart Townsend

In Christ alone my hope is found;

He is my light, my strength, my song;

This cornerstone, this solid ground,

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace,

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!

My comforter, my all in all--

Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,

Fullness of God in helpless babe!

This gift of love and righteousness,

Scorned by the ones He came to save.

Till on that cross as Jesus died,

The wrath of God was satisfied;

For ev'ry sin on Him was laid--

Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay, 

Light of the world by darkness slain;

Then bursting forth in glorious day,

Up from the grave He rose again!

And as He stands in victory,

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;

For I am His and He is mine--

Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death--

This is the pow'r of Christ in me;

From life's first cry to final breath,

Jesus commands my destiny.

No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man, 

Can ever pluck me from His hand;

Till He returns or calls me home--

Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.

Little Mr. Fixit Jr.

lil snow man

questions...

I've been really struggling this week...a new friend of mine is in treatment and awaiting the safe arrival of her little one and is fighting so many side effects of the medicine and the obvious strain in her family life...my heart is just broken for her...

There's so many parts of our story that seem almost unfairly easier than the average...I remember having someone tell me that a cousin had taken the same chemo I did and she was in the hospital for a few weeks because it made her so sick. At the time I thanked the Lord for His mercy and marveled at how "well" I felt, comparitively...

There's a part of me that thinks if it was a friend of mine, I might tell her something like this: "Now you have been through a lot, and its a little ridiculous for you to be feeling guilty about parts of this being a little easier for you than for others you've heard about...the Lord has His reasons and you KNOW He is more than Gracious to all, even when its hard to see at the time...and there's a thousand mercies each day that we continue on, oblivious to the terrible things that "might have been"...you had some unique things in your situation with marital difficulties and two young daughters to care for, and the Lord happened to spare you from things like sores in your mouth making it nearly impossible for you to eat, on top of extreme nausea, on top of weakness and fatigue to the point you could barely make it off the couch and family members semi-paralyzed with depression...its okay for you to be grateful and have peace with it!"

But I REALLY don't feel okay about it sometimes...

I read the book "The Shack" a couple days ago and its gotten me thinking about so many things and how this all works that He allows things and works things for His purposes for our good, all out of His great love for us(FANTASTIC book, by the way!)...for some reason, maybe some sort of martyr-complex, I find that perspective easier to hold onto with my own pains, than with my own blessings or with the pains of those around me...why is that???

I just wish I lived a little closer to this friend, that if nothing else I could cry with her, make her some kind of fruity shake, fold her laundry, and plan a birthday party for her son...

You wouldn't believe how much the (seemingly) smallest kindness can mean to someone who is hurting...(thanks again dear friends!)  I know it's hard for some people...maybe you don't know how to reach out, what to say, ...maybe you're terrified of saying something stupid(and people do end up saying some rather idiotic things at times) but what if just admitting that up front, apologetically offering something, because you CARE...what if that saves someone that day, and what if you didn't do it simply because you might do the wrong thing, is it really about you? A friend of mine said she's tired of people telling her she looks great, that's okay for her to feel that way, and it was sweet of them to say so...it was great that they said something! When I was bald and getting odd looks at Walmart I wanted so badly to make a tshirt that said something like: "Yes, I'm pregnant(its not a tumor), Yes, I do have cancer, Yes, I'm bald from chemo...Feel free to ask any questions you may have, I'd actually love to talk to you about it...can I tell you about all the AMAZING things that have happened through this?!" ...but that's a lot to put on a tshirt...and I'm sure not everyone feels that way...there were days where I felt so conspicuous and a little weary of the whole cancer thing :) 

But really, what's wrong with just asking people if they're comfortable with you letting them know in some way that you care...we don't do that enough, I know I don't!