oh the mammogram...

i had the privilege of receiving a mammogram yesterday...i'm trying to see it that way...the relatively GREAT healthcare we have the privilege of having access to in our country really is such a gift, and early detection is a really good way to beat this thing...

i just got to thinking that since the beginning of all this, my body is really not my own anymore. For the rest of my life, there will be bloodwork and exams and mammograms, and they're not fun. Its kind of a pain(literally) and an inconvenience to have to continually arrange our schedule for all the appointments...but there's not so many anymore, they're not nearly so intimidating and if given the choice, i'd rather pay this price for the chance to fight a little more proactively. And i think it is good for my kids, who accompany me to a lot of the appointments, learning compassion for those who are ill and the realities of life and their way around a hospital, without traumatizing them!

When i was thinking about it, its not really so different as any other area of my life, it used to be mine, but now its His, to be used for His purposes in this life...and since this illness will be used by Him to accomplish His good purposes not just for me but for others around me(as all things are when we trust and love Him), throughout my life, something that was meant for evil has been transformed into something good. Which just amazes me! 

And i will try not grumble about mammograms :) even though they are NOT one of my favorite things. But really, its not that bad and you should get one too if you are of age :)

Ribbon Walk

I took 2 of the kids with me Saturday and walked in the Ribbon Walk for the Friends of the Cancer...such an odd feeling accepting my Survivor pin...I was so excited to go and maybe get to share our story with someone, but there was a sea of faces and all I could think of was Michelle and her family...There was an awesome speaker who spoke so honestly about how it was so difficult at times but that she gave God all the credit for healing her, that she's been here all these years since, and she shared that since losing her father to lung cancer she had a difficult time volunteering for anything related to cancer, it was just too fresh...

I look at my children and know things could be so different for them right now, and I am so grateful...sometimes I just have a hard time thinking about...Michelle is in Heaven, which is by far a better place, her children will be okay, the Lord will see to them, use this for good in their lives, comfort and care for them their lifelong...and I'm here with my children living this gift of life the best I can by God's grace, not taking it for granted quite as much as I always had as an "innocent/invincible/strong" person...the Lord will have to reconcile the two of us I guess.

no fear

I was reading something last week and they were talking about the fear of recurrence, the cancer coming back...I don't know why but that doesn't seem to enter my thoughts...my dad told me a few months ago that its a big worry for him, after i told him that my husband mentioned being worried about it...for some reason, i feel very strongly that NOTHING can take me before He says its my time...so recurrence of cancer is on the same level as an auto crash, plane crash, act of violence, some deadly virus...on some level i feel sort of invincible, especially since i've experienced chemo treatments, surgeries, radiation, i don't believe i'm in denial either because at the same time i am SO grateful for the fragile gift of each new day, each new thing i get to experience with my children or my husband, its SO exciting that i'm still here and got to see it!!  i don't always mention that to anyone because it might come across as kind of morbid to some...what a beautiful autumn this is, i got to vote the other day, we made "stained glass" leaves yesterday and fresh, warm, homemade banana bread...life is an amazing gift!!!