Somewhere Beyond the C.....

2011-10-17T16:20:00.001-04:00

"There is no greater mercy that I know of on earth than good health except it be sickness; and that has often been a greater mercy to me than health...

It is a good thing to be without a trouble; but it is a better thing to have a trouble, and know how to get grace enough to bear it." Spurgeon

Big Brother!

2011-10-13T16:06:00.002-04:00

The little punkin is our Samuel, hopefully the adoption will be final in a few months...so far Isaiah LOVES being a big brother!

I was helping the girls pick out shirts the other day, one chose a "My Mama is a Survivor!" and the other a "I wear PINK for my Mom!" and Isaiah walked up and I found a black one that said, "I FIGHT for my Mommy!" and he said "I want that one, because I'm going to fight to protect you because you're my Mom!" I love it! He even walks me into the garage when I take out the recycling to protect me from spiders :)

2011-08-22T22:40:00.003-04:00

A woman who found me through a facebook cancer group a couple years ago emailed me seeking some encouragement just now. She's confused and struggling with her emotions, worries and fears are replacing the emotional "high" of surviving...I feel at a loss to do much other than empathize and share what encouraged me, but if the Lord can use the little I have, I'm so grateful. Here's what I shared with her, maybe it can encourage someone else too :)

"I TOTALLY understand what you're saying! I've been in a marriage-issue support group and in there we learned about the grief cycle(which can translate to a lot of areas of life, not just death of a loved one) and how you can cycle back around through another phase of anger, or shock or denial, or sadness...

It is just an odd thing about life after cancer that sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who changed, other people are going about their daily life oblivious to how tenuous it is and I have this totally different perspective about how we can't take any moment for granted, we're not guaranteed a long life...and yet I still go for days sometimes forgetting all that, focused on "normal" everyday life, remembering less frequently that overwhelming gratitude for this moment and this time with our children and all the precious little details of life...

Plus, I don't know if you are taking any medication still for treatment but I'm taking Tamoxifen which I'm told affects my hormones and its difficult to figure out sometimes where all the emotions come from, my life, my normal hormones, my out of control hormones...it feels really out of control at times, especially when I feel sort of depressed, but not about anything in particular. And the fear that something else will be found, every time I go in for a mammogram or check up. I've had difficulty with my memory since chemo and have learned in all these areas that its an opportunity to lean on the One who DOES understand EXACTLY what is going on inside me, and can actually provide HELP, far better than any doctor or well-intentioned friend. Its a new area for the discipline of handing over to Him my crazy emotions or the feeling I'm forgetting something...time and again He has been FAITHFUL to provide EXACTLY what I needed...I'm NOT just saying that...in CRAZY, only-God kind of ways.

A very dear friend passed away suddenly, a little over a year ago, and I mourned so much for that whole family, they've been on my heart consistently ever since. I've really struggled with the thought of their time with him being "cut short" and if that's even accurate to say since God numbers our days. My kids have asked me about what would happen if I died while their daddy was deployed somewhere, and we've talked about death. And I've told them how life's fragility is really one of the ways we see how precious it is, what a gift each day is. And with any of God's gifts, they weren't meant to be clutched tightly but shared and poured out and embraced...so I tell them, I try to live each day in such a way that if it were to be the last day, for any one of us, I wouldn't have as many regrets...I make so many mistakes(some pretty willful) and still take so much for granted, but I still try to make the most of all the things He's given me. And accept His grace for what He HAS given me, instead of pleading for grace for all the 'what ifs" I could imagine and torment myself with. Its a daily(or momently) thing sometimes to hand over each fear, or potential fear :)

The Psalms are so good, Isaiah 54 is such a comfort, Hosea 2:15, Isaiah 63:9, Jeremiah 29:11, Joshua 21:44-45 ...Stormie Omartian's The Prayer that Changes Everything is sooo good

I'm SO so SO glad you wrote...I don't know much about anything but to have a chance to encourage a sister in Christ with the hope that I've found ONLY in Him, is such a blessing to me. I always think it redeems so much of what we go through when we can turn and encourage someone else because of what we've walked through...I don't know where I'd be without the friends He's blessed me with, right when and where and how I needed them because He was their Source too! :) You are NOT alone!

I'll look and see if there's anything else I've got that might be helpful, you'll be in my prayers!

Hugs and God bless~

Laura"

And PS....please, please let me know if there's some way I can be praying for you!

2011-02-19T11:31:00.001-05:00

2011-02-16T23:21:00.002-05:00

Found these quotes and had to post them here:

"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink; but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death." - Thomas Paine

"Now - here is my secret: I tell it to you with an openness of heart that I doubt I shall ever achieve again, so I pray that you are in a quiet room as you hear these words. My secret is that I need God - that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love." - Douglas Coupland in "Life After God"

Please do let me know if there's ever anything I can pray for you about, it would be an honor!

4 YEARS OLD!!

2010-12-22T22:44:00.004-05:00

Cannot tell you HOW grateful we are for every moment we've been blessed to share with this little fella(and honestly, he can run us through the wringer at times :) There are some big plans for him and most days, he's got big plans of his own! Little warrior :)

Had another SQUEEZIN' time down at the Mammography Clinic the other day(you really ought to try it, it's not terrible :) )...it's always a good reminder of how far we've come, walking through the halls and offices filled with people fighting for their lives(experiencing FAR worse symptoms and side effects than I EVER did).

It's GOOD to be grateful, to have a moment now and then where you catch a glimpse of what you have because you're stilled and quiet and not so distracted with life whirling around you. I'm so grateful to have had all these years with our children, I'm so grateful for all those awful moments that made our average everyday troubles seem so pitifully unimportant, and made Him SHINE! He is just so good to all of us, so merciful and faithful to supply every little need, and every gigantic one too. Like sanity sometimes when you feel on the edge, perfect peace when you're frantic, a literal eye in the storm. As a wise and good parent, He says no to things that would harm us or not benefit us and allows some pretty awful things knowing HOW MUCH He'll be able to bless us on the other side... and He is that way for every one of us!

Merry Christmas! A helpless little infant blessing us with peace and healing and overwhelming joy yet again :)

2010-08-01T17:10:00.002-04:00

Our BIG boy! :)

Just celebrated another clear mammogram and the 4th anniversary of the day I heard those words..."we did find just a little bit of breast cancer..."

It's good to remember where we were, and ponder how far we've come. Just because life is feeling pretty normal again doesn't change the truth: that life is tenuous and we are not guaranteed another moment or breath...each one is an amazing gift...we all need to remember that!

What a great gift that comes from such a difficult circumstance...the chance to realize and treasure our time with our loved ones because we see that truth so clearly through someone's illness or death, the chance to not continue on taking for granted these little moments, that precious smile.

2009-09-11T22:27:00.002-04:00

My brother and his wife with the kids...my friend's mom just found out her breast cancer is back...I have a hard time imagining how that must feel...after going through so much and finally putting it behind you...and then to KNOW what the treatment is like and what you're in for...but at the same time, there is always the Plan, His Plan, of which we only get a small glimpse of a tiny part and from our limited perspective...some day we will get to see the whole picture but we do know the One Who sees all and knows all and is GOOD, absolutely, all the time...and I believe that's enough. There's plenty of things I've walked through that if I would have known more of what was to come, I would've run away fast :) and plenty more times that if someone had told me the precious gifts that were hidden in this dark valley, and that I could only grasp them by walking through it...I can't say I would've skipped joyfully ahead, but I might have felt more inspired to go on. My cousin's husband is facing a valley right now...they have a BEAUTIFUL family and my heart breaks for them but I am HOLDing on to the absolute certainty that they WILL NOT be short changed in any way...there is purpose and grace in all of it and He promised not to leave us alone, I know He does not. Ever.

3 YEARS!!

2009-07-28T23:17:00.003-04:00

This is a VERY excited little boy, we'd just pulled up to his sister's surprise birthday party :) The Lord was SOO good to me that day, 3 years ago today, so faithful... continually reminding me "the joy of the Lord is my strength" and continually supplying exactly what was needed in all the new and foreign situations I found myself in...feels like a thief tried to steal something away that wasn't his 3 years ago and I get to laugh at him now...I keep looking at Isaiah and remembering how I didn't know if I'd get to know him and love him the way I do...what a gift these 3 years have been, "stolen time" seems sweeter :)

Strawberry Pickin'

2009-06-07T11:25:00.003-04:00

I was talking to a friend yesterday about struggling through difficult times in your life, striving to be strong and do what you have to do...only to get a moment's rest and realize how utterly exhausted and spent you are...that you have nothing left for the next step...

I started thinking back to what life was like 2 1/2 years ago and how there was such a contrast between what I could conjure up within myself to face that battle, and the undeserved gift of God's grace and peace that He gave me as He carried me through each step...the fear I would feel at the sound of such unfamiliar words applied to me..."malignant," "cancer," "chemotherapy," "adjuvant," "port placement..." even speaking of surgery while I was still pregnant...WAY out of my comfort zone, and the stark contrast of the peace He just applied so immediately at just the right moment, in just the right way...so much weakness and dependence(SO imperfectly) resting on so much strength, finding such a solid foundation firmly beneath...so clearly not coming from ANYTHING in me!

It seems rather backwards to learn how to be weak, how to depend entirely on Him, how to ask for help that you could never begin to repay, accepting overwhelmingly generous kindnesses you didn't even know you needed which you can't even express gratitude for, just reduced to tears...not so much the picture of strength and courage and unfading and unfailing hope, just a helpless baby, really...at least that's how I felt...makes my Father all the more precious to me!!! :)

He saved me in His strength alone, He fought when I had nothing left to give, He blessed my children, all of them, and protected them when I couldn't, He held our family together through the weight of it all, He brought countless people to pour out His love to us...there just aren't words to express...but I'll keep trying! :)

Happy Easter Day!

2009-04-12T09:53:00.002-04:00

Jesus conquered death and gave us life and hope and victory and peace...this song is so powerful!!

In Christ Alone

Words and Music by Keith Getty and Stuart Townsend

In Christ alone my hope is found;

He is my light, my strength, my song;

This cornerstone, this solid ground,

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace,

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!

My comforter, my all in all--

Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,

Fullness of God in helpless babe!

This gift of love and righteousness,

Scorned by the ones He came to save.

Till on that cross as Jesus died,

The wrath of God was satisfied;

For ev'ry sin on Him was laid--

Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,

Light of the world by darkness slain;

Then bursting forth in glorious day,

Up from the grave He rose again!

And as He stands in victory,

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;

For I am His and He is mine--

Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death--

This is the pow'r of Christ in me;

From life's first cry to final breath,

Jesus commands my destiny.

No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,

Can ever pluck me from His hand;

Till He returns or calls me home--

Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.

Little Mr. Fixit Jr.

2009-03-10T13:27:00.000-04:00

lil snow man

2009-01-20T23:46:00.000-05:00

questions...

2009-01-14T23:19:00.003-05:00

I've been really struggling this week...a new friend of mine is in treatment and awaiting the safe arrival of her little one and is fighting so many side effects of the medicine and the obvious strain in her family life...my heart is just broken for her...

There's so many parts of our story that seem almost unfairly easier than the average...I remember having someone tell me that a cousin had taken the same chemo I did and she was in the hospital for a few weeks because it made her so sick. At the time I thanked the Lord for His mercy and marveled at how "well" I felt, comparitively...

There's a part of me that thinks if it was a friend of mine, I might tell her something like this: "Now you have been through a lot, and its a little ridiculous for you to be feeling guilty about parts of this being a little easier for you than for others you've heard about...the Lord has His reasons and you KNOW He is more than Gracious to all, even when its hard to see at the time...and there's a thousand mercies each day that we continue on, oblivious to the terrible things that "might have been"...you had some unique things in your situation with marital difficulties and two young daughters to care for, and the Lord happened to spare you from things like sores in your mouth making it nearly impossible for you to eat, on top of extreme nausea, on top of weakness and fatigue to the point you could barely make it off the couch and family members semi-paralyzed with depression...its okay for you to be grateful and have peace with it!"

But I REALLY don't feel okay about it sometimes...

I read the book "The Shack" a couple days ago and its gotten me thinking about so many things and how this all works that He allows things and works things for His purposes for our good, all out of His great love for us(FANTASTIC book, by the way!)...for some reason, maybe some sort of martyr-complex, I find that perspective easier to hold onto with my own pains, than with my own blessings or with the pains of those around me...why is that???

I just wish I lived a little closer to this friend, that if nothing else I could cry with her, make her some kind of fruity shake, fold her laundry, and plan a birthday party for her son...

You wouldn't believe how much the (seemingly) smallest kindness can mean to someone who is hurting...(thanks again dear friends!) I know it's hard for some people...maybe you don't know how to reach out, what to say, ...maybe you're terrified of saying something stupid(and people do end up saying some rather idiotic things at times) but what if just admitting that up front, apologetically offering something, because you CARE...what if that saves someone that day, and what if you didn't do it simply because you might do the wrong thing, is it really about you? A friend of mine said she's tired of people telling her she looks great, that's okay for her to feel that way, and it was sweet of them to say so...it was great that they said something! When I was bald and getting odd looks at Walmart I wanted so badly to make a tshirt that said something like: "Yes, I'm pregnant(its not a tumor), Yes, I do have cancer, Yes, I'm bald from chemo...Feel free to ask any questions you may have, I'd actually love to talk to you about it...can I tell you about all the AMAZING things that have happened through this?!" ...but that's a lot to put on a tshirt...and I'm sure not everyone feels that way...there were days where I felt so conspicuous and a little weary of the whole cancer thing :)

But really, what's wrong with just asking people if they're comfortable with you letting them know in some way that you care...we don't do that enough, I know I don't!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-27T19:26:00.003-05:00

What a JOY to celebrate Christmas with this sweet little fella...thinking back to 2 years ago when he was sooo tiny and we celebrated my very FAVORITE Christmas ever! I kept thinking about Mary as she got closer to the time when she gave birth to our Lord. Even though she may not have had any idea that she would have to watch Him die, she must have known there would be things about her son's life that she would need to trust the Father about, even as she had trusted Him with the circumstances of Jesus' conception... There are so many examples of faithful men and women who have trusted the Lord with their children in all kinds of different circumstances...I have been so awed by the things the Lord has done for us and so many others, it inspires me each day when I am tempted to worry with that CRAZY-mother-worry drive that kicked in at some point during my first pregnancy :) Instead of letting it consume me I can turn to the Good Father Who has proved Himself so many times before and choose to trust...just in a different way than I did when he was so small. Now he's a little leprechaun who climbs and leaps everywhere constantly, falling, throwing, bumping into things...very active little man.

2nd Birthday!

2008-12-23T21:55:00.002-05:00

So many times when he was wiggling around inside I would think about what it would be like to see him toddle around, hear his first words, watch him play with his sisters...mostly I thought about what it would be like to have a cup of coffee with my son when he's 21 or so and smile together as I share with him the story, once again, for the hundredth time...how the Lord held him in His hands, his little life, and brought him into being at the perfect time, and shielded him from so many things that might have been...what a miracle! Every child is a miracle and its huge...but this boy and the circumstances of his birth have made me realize how the Lord feels about each life, a pregnancy of any length is not to be taken for granted, life should never be taken for granted, a healthy baby is fragile and delicate and strong and powerful and all are held in His hands, so precious!! And He cares for each of us THAT much...Isaiah is no more or less a miracle than my other children, or you or me...but the circumstances of his birth speak a message...I am humbled to play a role in sharing it here at the start but as he grows I imagine the Lord has this and many more things in store to speak through his life...I'm excited about that cup of coffee we'll share one day, talking about our Lord and His shameless and limitless exhibitions of His Glory! And we have just one of so many stories...how blessed we are!!

A beautiful day...

2008-12-02T23:36:00.004-05:00

My sweet husband and a couple other friends had mentioned praying for the results of the mammogram to be negative(in a positive way) and I got to thinking as I went through the motions of getting ready to go to the appointment for my doctor to give me the results, about what if this sends us into another step on this journey...I don't mean to sound overly calm...I was a little bit like a child when they feel uncertain, or their footing is slipping a little and they say "maMA?!" where their voice goes up at the end a little bit...I said "LorD?! What if...and I'm at this appointment by myself and Lord what if I have to call him at work and that would be sad for him, and what if I have to go and be tired again and now I have 3 kids..." and then He took my face in His Hands and said "Laura..." and I thought, "Oh yeah... :) sorry..." So then we had a good little time of smiling into the uncertainty and singing together(quietly in the cold little exam room with that little scrap of a gown that offers no warmth) about how He's good. Period. and He knows. and i know i don't. But that I trust Him...and that's just it. It was a BEAUTIFUL time, He was THERE and...I think maybe the enemy might have been a little ticked off, which is good. But what I really care about is that there was no other comfort in those moments together...so often I have reached out to other people, or knowledge, or chocolate...but it was all Him and it was sweet. And that sweetness was not diminished or strengthened by the fact that the mammogram was clear...it was just what it was, and that didn't have much to do with my efforts or great focus or positive attitude or "strong religious faith"...just my Friend.

oh the mammogram...

2008-11-25T15:34:00.005-05:00

i had the privilege of receiving a mammogram yesterday...i'm trying to see it that way...the relatively GREAT healthcare we have the privilege of having access to in our country really is such a gift, and early detection is a really good way to beat this thing...

i just got to thinking that since the beginning of all this, my body is really not my own anymore. For the rest of my life, there will be bloodwork and exams and mammograms, and they're not fun. Its kind of a pain(literally) and an inconvenience to have to continually arrange our schedule for all the appointments...but there's not so many anymore, they're not nearly so intimidating and if given the choice, i'd rather pay this price for the chance to fight a little more proactively. And i think it is good for my kids, who accompany me to a lot of the appointments, learning compassion for those who are ill and the realities of life and their way around a hospital, without traumatizing them!

When i was thinking about it, its not really so different as any other area of my life, it used to be mine, but now its His, to be used for His purposes in this life...and since this illness will be used by Him to accomplish His good purposes not just for me but for others around me(as all things are when we trust and love Him), throughout my life, something that was meant for evil has been transformed into something good. Which just amazes me!

And i will try not grumble about mammograms :) even though they are NOT one of my favorite things. But really, its not that bad and you should get one too if you are of age :)

Ribbon Walk

2008-11-17T15:32:00.001-05:00

I took 2 of the kids with me Saturday and walked in the Ribbon Walk for the Friends of the Cancer...such an odd feeling accepting my Survivor pin...I was so excited to go and maybe get to share our story with someone, but there was a sea of faces and all I could think of was Michelle and her family...There was an awesome speaker who spoke so honestly about how it was so difficult at times but that she gave God all the credit for healing her, that she's been here all these years since, and she shared that since losing her father to lung cancer she had a difficult time volunteering for anything related to cancer, it was just too fresh...

I look at my children and know things could be so different for them right now, and I am so grateful...sometimes I just have a hard time thinking about...Michelle is in Heaven, which is by far a better place, her children will be okay, the Lord will see to them, use this for good in their lives, comfort and care for them their lifelong...and I'm here with my children living this gift of life the best I can by God's grace, not taking it for granted quite as much as I always had as an "innocent/invincible/strong" person...the Lord will have to reconcile the two of us I guess.

no fear

2008-11-08T14:45:00.003-05:00

I was reading something last week and they were talking about the fear of recurrence, the cancer coming back...I don't know why but that doesn't seem to enter my thoughts...my dad told me a few months ago that its a big worry for him, after i told him that my husband mentioned being worried about it...for some reason, i feel very strongly that NOTHING can take me before He says its my time...so recurrence of cancer is on the same level as an auto crash, plane crash, act of violence, some deadly virus...on some level i feel sort of invincible, especially since i've experienced chemo treatments, surgeries, radiation, i don't believe i'm in denial either because at the same time i am SO grateful for the fragile gift of each new day, each new thing i get to experience with my children or my husband, its SO exciting that i'm still here and got to see it!! i don't always mention that to anyone because it might come across as kind of morbid to some...what a beautiful autumn this is, i got to vote the other day, we made "stained glass" leaves yesterday and fresh, warm, homemade banana bread...life is an amazing gift!!!

2008-10-31T22:50:00.003-04:00

finding the way...

2008-10-29T21:17:00.003-04:00

i've started working on this blog out of a deep need to share what the Lord has done through all this...how can He bring meaning to difficulties if we aren't diligent about sharing that its all about Him? what a waste! i was singing at church on Sunday and realized that even though for over 2 years now i've been more grateful for life and all the beautiful gifts of just getting to live and be with my family and experience so many things...i'm brought to tears all the time with the realization that here is yet another "stolen" moment...not so much in the sense of something wanted me dead and I HAVE TRIUMPHED because i believe that nothing could remove me from the Father's hand or His timing in my life...but we all let the enemy steal our joy, we slip into despair about things we cannot control...and the Lord has protected me! and i STRUGGLE sometimes(perhaps relating to hormones) with feeling overwhelmed by life, that i can't do it, that i can't be even a mediocre mother to my beautiful children, that i'm not making a difference in this world...even though there's not anything i can put my finger on to make me feel that way... but God is SO GOOD and His joy IS my strength so that i eventually am carried out of that despair and the light shines again and i can SEE so many blessings to be grateful for...He has been SO GOOD. i just have to figure out ways to share that, maybe this is one way...

so what i am even more grateful for than His saving my life...is that He saved me...He is saving me each day, i am SO grateful for grace and peace, for the renewing of my mind, for His redeeming the "un-redeemable" in my life again and again, that He is truly SUFFICIENT in all my weakness (too many to list), He is what holds me together, He is the color in life, He is the source of all comfort....

old

2008-10-20T23:07:00.002-04:00

I am getting just a little tired of being poked and prodded and squeezed and asked questions...i know its proactive and beneficial and I'm grateful for the resources available to me...but this has gone on and on. Everyone is very kind, I just can't seem to get excited about yet another mammogram...and this time they scheduled one for in a month and one for next year...and this just won't stop apparently. But I guess it is contributing to the mortality rate for breast cancer going down and I am grateful the Lord has blessed scientists and doctors with the knowledge and understanding to fight this...and that He's helped me to come to the point where I can whine about an exam instead of crying for a day afterwards like I did 15 years ago. I'll just have to read Erma Bombeck's mammogram "horror" story again to cheer up and get ready for this thing :)

"What Helped Me Get Through"

2008-10-15T23:14:00.003-04:00

Is the title of a book the American Cancer Society just came out with as a resource to cancer patients. It's a compilation of the surveys a Dr. Julie Silver gathered from ACS's website...I filled out the survey a few months back(probably a little too early in the morning) and I actually made the book...it's odd to see your name in print, pretty humbling... I think it is such a fantastic resource for someone just starting down this path to see how all different types of people have chosen to face this thing. Its so neat to read what a kindred spirit wrote and also those I can't relate to much at all, other than we've both had cancer. Those who have no faith in God for example...what a completely different perspective that gives you of the disease...I'm sure they have a similarly difficult time understanding what got me through. Sometimes I don't understand it myself...why I have this trust in the Lord as opposed to being fighting mad that He would "do this to me"-- that I could more expect from the me I know :) why I know, really KNOW that He loves me and has and will work all this out for my good, when that sounds a little like crazy talk!

2008-08-09T22:55:00.000-04:00

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2008-02-20T20:57:00.000-05:00

2007-11-06T20:50:00.002-05:00

Dependence...

2007-11-06T14:12:00.005-05:00

Apart from being tired, not having tons of energy or feeling "gung-ho" to accomplish all we're doing each day I feel good, only minor side effects with the Tamoxifen. I've had lots of follow up appointments and a few tests and everything's all clear each time. Isaiah's very healthy, 10 months old and 20 lbs., crawling/climbing/pulling up, he IS very high energy, gung-ho, loves music and his adoring family.

Thank you for your prayers, life gets a little overwhelming sometimes, I get frustrated with feeling tired sometimes, I need His grace is so many ways, all the appointments between me and the kids...but at the same time, I am SO GRATEFUL to have this year behind me, to be with all 3 of my beautiful children, to get to stay home with them, I'm grateful for this dear man I get to walk through life with, I'm grateful for time, even though it speeds past too quickly at times...and He's been teaching me to be grateful for the things that "hold me back"--my energy level, my poor memory--I love watching Him provide for my every need after I've whined to Him about not being able to do some things...I keep forgetting the silliest things, nothing life-threatening so far(thank the Lord), and He reminds me or provides ahead of time...its pretty amazing to watch. I thanked Him for the humility of it, depending on Him in this way, since I've always had a great memory and seemed to have taken some pride in "my" abilities, judging by how frustrated I've been at the loss :) It really is a joy to all through the day ask Him if I've forgotten anything, or where I put something...maybe I sound crazy, you're probably thinking, "Laura... you REMEMBERED it??!!" but I'm just telling you I KNOW He reminds me, my synapses are on vacation, they're not firing like they used to :) its a complicated story but the other day, He actually led me to prepare all these things, and then after I got into the situation and remembered what I was supposed to do, I realized it didn't matter that I hadn't remembered, I had exactly what I needed...it was a beautiful and unexpected gift!

love you all and hope you are well, thanks for caring about our little family!!"

---from an email

2007-07-25T20:49:00.000-04:00

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2007-02-26T16:11:00.000-05:00

upside down

2007-01-26T21:47:00.003-05:00

from an email:

"I started radiation on monday, its everyday at 4pm, only takes about 15 minutes...it does end up rearranging our whole day but there's only 5 1/2 more weeks and some friends from church are going to start helping out a couple days a week...

Isaiah was up to 8lb7oz at his appointment the other day, he's doing really well other than he caught this nasty cold we've all got right now, he's sleeping 5-7 hours at night.

I met a girl last week at the surgeon's office who's having her surgery this week, she's only 28 and has breast cancer and 2 small children, we exchanged numbers and she called later, if you could pray for Samantha. I cried on the way home because I overheard her sister say to her, "You can do this, the Lord is going to help you through this...just look at that girl over there with her babies...you can make it too! You're going to be fine!"

Thanks so much for your prayers, we're all pretty short on sleep with everything and I've been snapping at the girls lately, we are really enjoying being a family of 5 in spite of all the craziness and nothing being normal right now..."

Results, again.

2007-01-16T21:36:00.002-05:00

from an email:

"the tests came back negative for cancer!! since the surgery wasn't as involved this time, i've felt pretty good, no pain, just a teensy bit sore, and there weren't as many bandages so i've been able to nurse just fine since the night after the surgery once the anesthesia was out of my system...which i am SO grateful for! AND isaiah had been a little slow putting the weight on so i'd been supplementing a little and he went from 6lb9oz last Wed to 7lb6 oz yesterday!! i am very happy about that! he has seemed so little to me after the girls both being over 8lbs and both getting chubby so fast ;) and today in the waiting room i met a girl who just got a breast cancer diagnosis today, its always nice to get a chance to share even just a little bit of what the Lord has done for us! hopefully we'll be able to keep in touch a little...

i am so teary these days, every time i introduce isaiah to someone, most of the time i look at his sweet face...i don't know how to thank all of you for the special part you played in encouraging us and lifting him up to our Dear Father in prayer...and all those each of you asked to pray for us...maybe just a tight weepy hug and a gigantic smile when i see you next will have to do...

much, much love!

laura"

the surgery

2007-01-11T22:11:00.000-05:00

"everything went well today...i'm not really in any pain. i should find out some results on tuesday morning...

thank you so much for all your prayers

laura"

my sweet mother in law took me to the hospital so my husband could get a couple hours of rest and it was sort of funny sitting and chatting about old movies with little isaiah in his carseat in pre-op...some things are so surreal...surgery again, here we reached the climax, isaiah's birth, and he was fine and healthy and now here's the cancer question again...and again, the Lord blankets worried and scared little me with His peace that passes understanding so that i can chat and laugh away the wait, proudly showing off my son to anyone who will pause :) i'm shameless! i really overanalyze things but when i step back and look at myself, i don't recognize the me that is walking along this path, when i look below the surface i see the reality: my big Daddy marching solidly along, carrying me in His arms and sheltering me from the insanity and pain, whispering His comfort and peace in my ear, making it utterly impossible for me to give up, or maybe i gave up long ago :) its so much easier letting Him take care of things :)

Another surgery...

2007-01-10T21:59:00.002-05:00

from an email:

"hey everyone

isaiah is doing really well and the girls are enthusiastically loving him:)

i had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon yesterday and he didn't like the way the lump on my left side felt(that he had biopsied last year and it came back negative) so he's removing it tomorrow morning...if you could please pray that everything would go well...we are very grateful that jim's mom and brother are here visiting and can help with the kids for the surgery, that even if this is the end of nursing isaiah i did get 3 weeks(initially they had said i wouldn't be able to at all, then the oncologist said he would hold off on the hormone treatment so i could nurse for 4 months), and that even though this means a second surgery with the apparently out of network doctor(we've been trying to work things out with the insurance company who initially told us this doctor was covered) that the Lord provided all along the way and He knows how He'll provide again this time.

please pray also because jim recently was brought onto a project at work that required him to work the night shift, so he has to work tonight and tomorrow night(4p-7a) and probably won't get the chance to sleep much tomorrow with everything going on...

thank you so much for all your prayers

love, laura and family"

2006-12-24T22:44:00.000-05:00

He's Here!!!

2006-12-22T22:22:00.000-05:00

"Thank you so much for your prayers...it went so well!! He was born at 1:43pm on the 22nd and was 7lb 1oz and 20.5 inches and he's perfect, the cutest boy in the whole world and we are SOOOOOO grateful. i'm feeling really good and the girls are beside themselves with joy about the little guy, can't stop kissing him :)

lots of love...Merry Christmas!!!"

Getting Close Now...

2006-12-08T22:36:00.000-05:00

just wanted to let you all know how things were going...

i had an ob appointment this morning and Isaiah's doing fine, the ultrasound is measuring him as being around 6lb 14oz right now and i'm dilated 1cm...i've been having quite a few contractions each day the past few weeks but mostly i'm pretty comfortable and feeling really good...the Lord has really blessed me in each pregnancy, including and especially this one!

so i have 9 days to go til the due date and then i'm supposed to start radiation in the second week of january, that will be 5 days a week for 6 1/2 weeks and the radiologist said i'll be pretty tired, which i'd been feeling pretty optimistic about...i'll be tired anyway with a newborn and 2 energetic little girls :) but when i had the appointment and he talked about the side effects and fatigue i started feeling a little discouraged and anxious, its just one more opportunity to look at all the Lord has done for us through this whole process, the way that He has provided in amazing ways for all of our needs and poured out His grace on all the side effects i was "supposed" to have experienced and didn't...so i'm choosing to cling to Him rather than the worries and fears about what might happen... we'll see :)

hope you all have an amazing Christmas...what a beautiful year its been!!! we have so much to be thankful for!!

thanks so much for all your thoughts and prayers!

love, laura

2006-11-23T22:37:00.002-05:00

Family

2006-11-19T22:31:00.000-05:00

We had a great Thanksgiving with my inlaws who flew in...my energy was starting to really come back to where I felt like doing some REAL cooking, not just the quick stuff thrown together because I'm tired...I had so much fun!!

2006-11-03T16:09:00.000-05:00

Baby Shower

2006-10-25T22:16:00.000-04:00

My sweet friends threw us a baby shower...they were so generous...it was so much fun!!
There was even a little pickup truck cake :)
Its really nice to just celebrate life whole-heartedly sometimes...there is nothing to fear!

The Haircut...just a trim :)

2006-09-06T20:59:00.002-04:00

My hair started to fall out, I didn't know if it would...some people who take the same chemo I am don't lose their hair....It was pretty clear by how much I was shedding(and I DON'T shed while I'm pregnant usually) that it was coming. When I mentioned the possibility a few weeks ago Hannah had asked why her hair didn't fall out when I gave her medicine, and I explained that this was stronger medicine to kill some bad stuff in Mama, and that we would try not to worry about it until we found out if Mama's hair actually would fall out. So when the shedding began, I looked up the website for Locks of Love, always had thought it sounded so great to give such a gift to a little child but never had the guts to face a few years of SHORT curly hair(afro time!) and in looking through the before and after pictures of the young recipients, this panicky sad moment shifted into gratitude at being able to be a part of giving something meaningful to a sweet little person facing such a battle...my daughter thought so too!

So after the girls were in bed, my sweet husband shaved 4 ponytails of 17 inch long hair off my head...what a STRANGE feeling to have that tiny bald head on my shoulders! And the next morning I tried to call out a warning/reminder to my oldest daughter but the second she saw me she was hysterical and running to her Daddy(so DIFFICULT to not be able to comfort your own child in a moment like that), the younger one, however, laughed when she saw me and said my head was funny and fuzzy, "Why did Daddy do that to your hair?!" When this picture was taken, Hannah still could not look at me with my head bare but within a few hours she said she was used to it and thought it was so neat for the little girl who would be able to have my hair instead of being bald...the Lord can literally turn ANYTHING around!! Without Him I might have cried for weeks about this but I just feel so grateful...He must be laughing a little bit because in moments of extreme frustration about my naturally curly hair, I have threatened to shave my head bald...look at me now!

A Valley...

2006-08-30T22:47:00.002-04:00

Today was pretty demoralizing...I've been tired since the chemo treatment but the bottom dropped out this morning, I could hardly get myself out of bed and laid on the girls' bed for a little while when they woke up, then on the living room floor for awhile trying to figure out what I could get them to eat for breakfast. They're so little and I am not good for much today, I can't even manage to lift my head to read a book to them(what we normally spend a lot of time doing when I'm sick)...it scared me and made me so sad to think of them having this kind of life, even for a day, I wonder if this is what the next few months hold for us, if it will get worse! I can't imagine having to have someone else care for my children!

I finally called a couple of friends to see if they could come over and help us out for a little while, I have a doctor's appointment at noon to check the baby and I feel especially anxious to not miss it because of the chemo treatment the other day! My sweet friend Wilma came over and helped us get to the appointment and offered to stay awhile so I could sleep...I don't know what I would do without such dear people supporting our family!

First Day of "Nemo" and the Unlikely Angel

2006-08-25T21:36:00.000-04:00

The Lord has blessed us with a couple of little comedians to walk through this with and when I told them that my first appointment for a chemo treatment was coming up, Hannah laughed and said "chemo" sounded like "Nemo"...so that's what we'll call it :) I've been doing a lot of reading online about the types of chemo, effects of it, research having to do with pregnant patients of course...I feel like we're making a medically responsible decision considering the circumstances but also there's an element of faith involved. While I am very grateful for the possible benefits of chemo, and I feel fairly comfortable with our doctors and their education and knowledge, it is a HUGE step of faith for me to allow something into my body that's pretty close to poison, especially when my child is in there...and so once again, I put it into the Lord's hands...He alone understands this wonderful thing He created called an umbilical cord, it seems scientists don't really know how it works exactly. So I'm taking this to Him and trusting that "if He's willing" He will spare my sweet boy the possible harmful effects of this strange stuff I'm going to allow in...I KNOW He is more than able to be a Shield and a Healer, and that no matter what, even though it would break my heart, there is no better place for any of my children that His arms...

I've been coming down with a cold so I was wondering if they would have to postpone the treatment, with my limited understanding of a weakened immune system, but they said that it would be fine so my husband and I walked into the long room full of chairs for people to have treatments. Everyone was SO nice and gracious and I wondered what they thought of me sitting there with my big pregnant belly, what I would think if I saw a pregnant woman about to receive chemo... I think I'd probably burst into tears on the spot, which is strange since when tears come to my eyes lately its mostly out of gratitude that there is so much on my side to fight this thing, all these sweet people working so hard to provide medical CARE(for the first time I see it as truly CARE) and my God Who has promised to fight for me and family and friends calling and emailing me psalms and prayers and sending gift cards for takeout since they're out of state...it blows my mind how kind and generous people can be and how much peace I feel for my child and the future most of the time. I have all the psychotic crazy fears I would naturally expect from myself but in just a few moments usually the Lord has popped up and blown them away with one of the many weapons in His arsenal :)

When I sat down in a chair today, I was right next to a man being treated for breast cancer, I believe this is his second time fighting it. He commented about how chemo made his bones ache, pretty forcefully too, and that the smell of it, it was so strong and lingered and just got to him so much. So my husband and I just nodded politely and, along with the man sitting across the aisle, wondered if this was meant to be encouraging...did he really need to go on and on... :) So after the nurse hooked me up, we continued to talk and I rubbed my forehead a couple of times and he looked me in the eye and asked "Is your head starting to hurt? Is it really hurtin'? Like the top is about to blow CLEAN off?!" and I just said it was a little sore and so he asked me again if I felt like the "top of my head was going blow off" and by this time I couldn't really answer and he told my husband pretty forcefully to get the nurse to come and slow it down, sometimes people can't handle it so fast. Within a few moments the nurse had run over and slowed the drip way down and gave me a cool cloth for my head, it pretty much did feel like it might "blow clean off"! :) I just was so amazed that we'd been so blessed to be right next to this angel of a man who'd had the same chemo before and knew when he saw me reacting that way just what needed to be done!

I slept a little when we went home and later we went to a high school football game, it was good to get out of the house and do something semi-normal...there was a very strange sensation through my whole body, it just didn't feel right, even breathing felt different, sleep and dreams were very unrestful...but there was also a deep sense of just resting in His Hands, my body was no longer my own, or even my own haven for my child, there were foreign things inside working, a battle going on...and none of it was in my hands so what was there for me to do but trust? Of course I could go dig a hole and stay hidden, but whatever life I've got left whether its years or weeks, I want to live, I want to be there for my children however I can...ideally that's the way I'd live with or without a diagnosis of cancer but since I've gotten this wake up call I'm going to trust and hang on...

The Hope of Jehoshaphat

2006-08-15T10:49:00.003-04:00

From four unrelated places lately I've heard this story from II Chronicles 20...It gives me the chills and makes me cry!

When he was told that 3 different armies were coming up against him, Jehoshaphat was alarmed and resolved to inquire of the Lord and proclaimed a fast for all Judah. All the people came together from every town and the king stood in front of the temple and spoke to them:

"O Lord, God of our fathers, are you not the God who is in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. Power and might are in your hand, and no one can withstand you...If calamity comes upon us,...we will stand in your presence...and cry out to You in our distress, and You will hear us and save us...we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."

Then one of the men came forward and spoke, "This is what the Lord says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you,...Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.'"

Then they all fell down and worship the Lord and some of the Levites stood up and praised the Lord.

Early the next morning, they prepared to set out and "appointed me to sing to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of His holiness as they went out at the head of the army"(rather than their Special Forces or Rangers) and sang "Give thanks to the Lord for His love endures forever."

"As they began to sing and to praise, the Lord set ambushes against the men...invading Judah, and they were defeated."

"When the men of Judah came to the place that overlooks the desert and looked toward the vast army, they saw only dead bodies lying on the ground; no one had escaped. So Jehoshaphat and his men went to carry off their plunder, and they found among them a great amount of equipment and clothing and also articles of value--more than they could take away. There was so much plunder that it took three days to collect it. On the fourth day they assembled in the Valley of Beracah(Praise), where they praised the Lord. This is why it is called the Valley of Beracah to this day."

ALL Jehoshaphat's hope was in the Lord! With all the treatment options, strategies for fighting this great enemy of mine...this seems to be such a clear message from the Lord for me...to trust in His power to fight this enemy, not my own strength or strategies, to rest knowing He is fighting for me and my child, to praise and thank Him for His protection and all the blessings He promises to bring from my conquered enemy...what a beautiful story that I never truly appreciated, never read it as anything more than an old battle history before now...

Stats

2006-08-12T10:40:00.002-04:00

I've been reading up on cancer the last couple weeks on the internet, there's so much out there! Gets to be a little overwhelming...all the new terminology I was ignorant of just a month ago! Adjuvant therapy, metastasize, lymph edema...and all the statistics about types of therapies and recurrence rates and risk factors...checking my pH levels with little strips every morning and a whole nutritional approach to achieving a pH level that's hostile to cancer...

So I've been praying about it and I understand that my doctors are very educated and that scientists use statistics to try to understand things better...but I'm young and I had none of the risk factors...so no one but the Lord knows which side of the statistics I will fall on, so I don't put my hope or find comfort in the statistics, although I do appreciate my doctors' effort to provide some information in this whirling craziness :) And I started changing my diet and faithfully checking my pH each morning, but I quickly realized that it could begin to take over, and since I don't know if I have months or years or decades left with my family, I'd rather spend that time living out of joy and not fear, I LOVE to cook and eat and if I began making separate meals for myself and for my family, I think something would get lost... Of course, there's a balance...some would say if I surrendered to a new nutritional approach I'd be more likely to have decades with my family...but I've decided to prayerfully consider all these things and try to find the middle ground, somewhere between the strictly medical and the strictly nutritional ways to combat my cancer, there's grace and maybe a combination of both...I could run right out and get a double mastectomy as a couple of loved ones have suggested, but I'm just not sure if that's the right approach for me personally...there's a lot of choices out there, I need wisdom to choose because my choices don't just affect me...I keep weighing it against the thought of will my children be able to look back, once I've passed on(whenever that might be) and honestly say they think I did all I could have or should have to fight this thing, am I doing what I'd advise them to do if they were in my place someday? In the end, its between my husband and I, ultimately, between the Lord and I, and I'll have to stand by these choices...

Great News!

2006-08-10T22:45:00.002-04:00

My Surgeon told us today that my margins were clear, which means they're pretty certain they got the entire lump, and my lymph nodes were all clear! The news really could not have been any better...its such a relief!

A Lumpectomy and Port Placement

2006-08-03T22:23:00.004-04:00

The port is the "button" just under the skin below my collarbone where I'll receive the chemo treatments(rather than burning up the veins in my arm). So many strange things to experience and learn about...

My mom was able to stay for another week, so we went to the beach yesterday, it was so beautiful, such a fun day! I thought of some verses from Psalm 93(not off the top of my head, I had to go digging through my concordance a bit):

The seas have lifted up, O Lord, the seas have lifted up their voice; the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.

Mightier than the thunder of the great waters, mightier than the breakers of the sea--the Lord on high is mighty.

And when we went to Cracker Barrel that night, my husband got a call on his cell phone from a woman he had worked with overseas...turns out her family has a foundation to assist families in finding treatment for cancer, she asked if she could give her father our number since she'd just heard what had happened...she said if we were interested they would fly us to Seattle to consult with some doctors there...such overwhelming kindness and generosity from strangers!! I'm just crying so much lately, and not, as you might expect, out of grief or fear, but gratitude...such overwhelming gratitude I feel...I am so BLESSED!

So a friend arranged for a babysitter so my mom and husband could be there at the hospital for the surgery and when I was barely beginning to come to afterwards, I felt the nurse put a monitor around my belly to listen to Isaiah's heart rate and I heard it and started to cry, before I could even pry my eyes open yet...she said "He's doing fine...everything went well, just rest for a little bit..." I was pretty nervous about having anesthesia while pregnant, I'm always so careful not to even take medication for a headache while I'm pregnant :)

There was not too much pain afterwards, they said I won't have full movement of my right arm where he sampled my lymph nodes, I'll have to work on that for awhile...and I have this lovely drain for a few days :) hide that away in my pocket...now we just have to wait for results...

Doctors, Doctors, and more Doctors...

2006-08-01T22:16:00.002-04:00

So apparently, along with my ObGyn that I'm seeing for the pregnancy, now I have a Surgeon, an Oncologist, and a Radiologist...that just seems a little bit crazy, intimidating, overwhelming...we met with the Ob today to let him know what will be going on the next few months and my husband asked him what he thinks of the doctors I'll be seeing. What was just so sweet to hear was that he said he would send his own wife to these doctors, rather than up to Duke or whatever other choices there might be...and he said a couple years ago he'd had a patient who was also diagnosed with breast cancer while she was pregnant, and that she and the baby are doing well... he's going to put her in touch with me...I think it will be so nice to see a real flesh and blood person who's survived this thing, people do all the time...survive!!

And now it begins...

2006-07-28T21:32:00.001-04:00

I was able to get in touch with my poor husband on the other side of the world...I can't imagine how difficult it must be for him! And I was able to make a few phone calls to other family and dear friends...I feel so sad as I dial the number, knowing how I would ache for that person if they called me with this news...its hard but somehow joyful to share with them the way the Lord has been carrying us from that first moment...all that He's given me to hold on to...and these are people who know me well enough to know these words are not coming from me :) the wimp :) I wonder a little bit, having learned about the stages of grief, am I in denial, shock, trying to be strong, comfort everyone else...? I'm not going worry about it, I know I have cancer, I know its on my top ten list of things I could not survive that the Lord got a hold of somehow a few years back :) and He's faithfully showed me through each item on the list pretty much that I can MORE than survive with Him, in Him, through Him...He is SOOOO good! I keep having thoughts go through my mind..."what about our girls, Lord?" and He reminds me that He has taken great care of me during the most painful times in my life and provided all kinds of friends and family to be His physical Loving Arms to hold me up and comfort me, will He do less for my dear children, if it were to come to that? Laura, you KNOW I love them even more than you do...since they were born you've realized more and more each day as you love them, HOW much I love My children...you KNOW I'm going to take care of you, you KNOW I will work all this out for good...

Every natural fear or worry that pops up, it seems He's peeking over my shoulder with a bazooka and blasts it away with a few words of peace...I'm constantly in a little bit of shock at how peaceful I feel...

I'm so glad that I have this great doctor, that my husband is on a plane already and should be home tomorrow sometime, that my girls may remember someday how we knelt on the floor when we got home yesterday and thanked the Lord for knowing all things, for holding Isaiah in His Hands, and asking Him to take care of this cancer we do not know how to fight...what a blessing to walk through this with friends and family to care about us, with children watching our God do His thing, from a young age for them to see that He is the One we turn to, that praise and prayer is how we fight, that we can rest in uncertainty knowing the One who knows all things is Good and Powerful, certainly more than able to save us from all harm...that He wouldn't allow anything without a great purpose...having looked this beast in the eye, if what He does in my life can bring hope to even one person facing the same thing, it is SOOO worth it...I say that now, I pray He grants me the strength to mean that through the days ahead...

An email I sent out that afternoon...

2006-07-27T22:56:00.000-04:00

"i'm sorry to do this over email...

i just got the results of a biopsy this morning and i have cancer...i'm going to have surgery late next week to remove the lump and test my lymph nodes so i'll know more after that but they want to start chemotherapy right away, they said there's minimal risk to Isaiah since i'm in the 2nd trimester...and i'm not sure when jim is going to be able to come home yet...

i just feel so blessed because i have such good friends here if i need help and i'm so thankful that Isaiah is in God's hands regardless of what's going on...and God has reminded me of a verse or a song almost each moment since this morning...that even when i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i need fear no eveil, that the joy of the Lord is my strength, that His strength is made perfect in my weakness, that He has plans to give me a hope and a future and not to harm me, that He asks me not to fear or be discouraged because He is with me, He is my Healer and the Great Physician...there are no guarantees of the outcome but that He works all things together for good and that He's with me...He is just such a good God to walk through something like this with...just to let you know where i'm at right now, i'm sad and scared but these are the thoughts i hold on to in my weakness

thank you in advance for your prayers and please pray for jim, the poor guy had to hear the news over the phone from the other side of the planet..."

Results...

2006-07-27T22:11:00.005-04:00

Mom and I talked about going to the park later since she's leaving tomorrow and ended up deciding to just all go to my appointment since it probably won't take very long and then we could just take the girls from there. She kept the girls occupied with coloring books in the lobby while I went back to meet with the doctor. He's a very nice man, his nurses are really sweet, its so nice to feel comfortable at a time like this, as comfortable as you can feel :)

So he sits down and types some things on his computer, asks me how I am, how far along in the pregnancy are you again?...then...

"So we did find just a little bit of breast cancer..."

God bless him, like a little is better than a lot :) what a sweet gentle way to put the information that just turned my world upside down...

so clearly, I feel 2 Hands take my shoulders, holding me up, and a Voice saying "Here we go..."

which to me, said so many things..."I'm here. I'm not surprised by any of this. I'm staying right here. With you. Holding you up. Whatever is to come, its us, you and Me that will face it..." how do you beat that kind of comfort? What fear could I hold on to that could stand up to THAT?!

He went on to explain just a few things and then asked if I had anyone with me, the nurse offered to run out and get my mom to come in(what a blessing for a mom to get to hear this with her daughter and not on a phone across the country!? or even to find out when I got back from the appointment like we'd planned) and I asked the doctor about chemotherapy after the baby was born and he said "No, we need to keep you around for those girls and we need to get this thing as soon as possible to give you the best chance, there is a lot of research out there that it is safe during the 2nd and 3rd trimesters, causes birth defects and mortality during the first trimester but you are well into your second...you can read about it, 15 year old children whose mothers underwent chemo while they were in the womb and who are perfectly healthy with normal development..."(now I can see what a blessing delays and obstacles can be...)

The nurses kept my girls in the hallway, thoroughly engrossed and overjoyed by a huge bag of stickers, they were so sweet! Meanwhile, the doctor repeated to my mom what he'd told me about having surgery in two days and then beginning chemotherapy, and eventually radiation after the baby is born... Mom had a deathgrip :) on my hand and was making a valiant effort to stand and not shake too badly and try to stay clear minded enough to ask the right questions...poor Mom! This already seems so much more difficult for everyone else...what a rotten day for this poor doctor, having to tell a pregnant mother she has cancer, my poor Mom, I can't hardly imagine if it was me with one of my girls...I know that sounds ridiculous...I guess that's shock for you...

Tears were coming just a little bit, they kept asking if I was okay...I kept getting bits of psalms or old hymns, all kinds of things going through my head..."the Joy of the Lord is my strength" over and over... and I kept thinking...its His joy, I don't have the ridiculous task of having to come up with joy during something like this, and its not His might but His joy that is my strength, how beautiful to have joy in something like this, rather than simply feeling strong and determined, that female warrior they always portray breast cancer survivors as...I am not strong, I know that for CERTAIN...I'm in recovery from having become quite skilled at finding reasons to feel sorry for myself in any given situation...but I have this unexplainable joy in walking through this with my dear Lord beside and under and around and within me, truly the peace that passes understanding...it makes no sense being evident in my heart, as well as I know myself, aside from His putting it there and sustaining it...and then that His joy is my strength...I can be STRONG??? in THIS????!! how is that possible? my son is so small...I know what the doctor said about the studies but I can't comprehend having my BABY in the same body with my CANCER or my CHEMO...you want to protect your child...isn't the womb considered one of the safer places?? We just found out a few days ago that he's a boy...we'd had the name Isaiah picked out for years as a favorite and I'd confirmed that as our top choice when I told my husband the news over the phone and then I looked up again what it means..."Yahweh is my salvation"...the Lord KNEW, He always knew...in that moment when I heard "cancer" and felt my son move there was the reminder that He is not just the One who is able to save me from this, He is my son's salvation, no matter how this turns out...nothing can remove him from Those Hands...

Biopsy

2006-07-20T21:49:00.002-04:00

My mom came out for a visit for our youngest's 2nd birthday...its so great how the Lord provides all the little encouragements and pick-me-ups we need during a difficult time...she watched the girls while I went in for the biopsy--it HURT! made a big scary clicking sound...guess I should have taken my friend's advice to bring someone along to hold my hand :) The doctor looked at my films from the ultrasound of my chest and did a health history for all the risk factors(I had none) and said he was fairly certain it was nothing, the smooth edges didn't look like cancer on the films, I have no risk factors, I'm only 31, I've nursed my 2 babies over a year each...but just to make sure the biopsy's a good idea. We kept busy all week so there wasn't really even time to worry, although I'm still not going to start until I find out there's a reason to :) And my daughter won the ice cream cake from the radio station for her birthday! I'm sure I was more excited than she was :) so many little gifts...

Progress...

2006-06-26T21:43:00.000-04:00

I was finally able to make an appointment with a surgeon...the first surgeon I saw left me waiting for 2 hours past my appointment time, his office was cold, he didn't bring in a nurse during the exam just left the door open, and apparently didn't read my chart closely enough to see the part at the top where it said I'm 17 weeks pregnant! He started pushing on my belly really hard and I had to enlighten him...I thought maybe the poor guy was just having a really rough day but a nurse friend of mine said all of that was totally out of line(I was pretty sure, but really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt), besides the fact he wants to go ahead and just do a lumpectomy rather than a biopsy first. So after a lot of insurance research and my friend's input, I have an appointment with a really great surgeon and can hopefully put all this behind us soon!

2006-06-16T22:40:00.002-04:00

Waiting...

2006-05-26T21:37:00.001-04:00

My dear husband is away for awhile on a deployment but we're managing...I took the girls to the Blueberry Festival in Burgaw, NC...we had a great time doing "normal" family stuff, even though we all missed Daddy. I keep trying to get some tests done, but I'm really getting the run around at my obgyn...I've asked some friends to recommend a new doctor so I can get a referral for a biopsy. They did finally get me set-up with an ultrasound at a radiologist and apparently the films need to be evaluated by a surgeon. Its worth it to persevere through all this trouble just to know one way or the other, even though this is just about the last thing I want to be focusing on right now with the baby coming and taking care of the girls myself...

To begin, at the beginning...

2006-04-25T21:26:00.003-04:00

After a rough year for our family, moving twice, a marital rough spot...we find we are pregnant with number 3 and are so excited! All babies are a miracle, each time we've been ecstatic...but this time seems like such a miracle! If the Lord hadn't moved our mountains in the last year, we wouldn't be here, this little one wouldn't be here!! The girls are so excited and started putting bibs on each other...the only way a 1 and 3 year old know how to prepare for a little one :)

I did find a lump the other day but since "tissue is changing" and I've found lumps during my other pregnancies, always have been told that its just part of my body preparing to feed the baby...I'm not too worried. I'm not sure why, I do worry about some things and the "C" word is at the top of everyone's list of terrifying things...I guess I'm not going to lose sleep over it until I find out there's something to lose sleep over...a dear friend tells me I would sense if there was something wrong with my body, other friends tell me I'm so young and healthy, they're sure its nothing. I just don't believe any of us have any guarantees in this life, I appreciate that they mean well but they can't really say its nothing...God is good and that is not affected by any results I might get either way.